I read a quote by Jack Canfield that said “Everything you want is on the other side of fear.” Fear is defined as a distressing emotion aroused by real or imagined impending danger, pain, or evil, and I’ll add difficult decisions and change to that definition. It’s the anticipation that something unpleasant will occur. I have experienced an abundance of fear over the past 3 years, as Michael and I navigate this season of infertility.
I call it a season because I know at some point it will end, one way or another. That fact alone gives me hope that we won’t go through this roller coaster of emotions forever. The fear comes from not knowing when or how it will end. The fear comes from having absolutely no control over the outcome, no matter how perfectly I follow my doctor’s instructions. The fear comes from not knowing how people will react to my decision to blog about the whole experience.
Unless you know you have a medical condition, no person goes into a marriage thinking they will have trouble getting pregnant, and certainly no one asks for it. The drugs, the medical tests and procedures, the emotions, the weight gain, and the time it takes away from your life are not things I’d wish on my worst enemy. Every time I hear someone is trying to get pregnant, my first prayer is that they will be spared the pain of infertility.
I have considered blogging about this for a while. On the surface, it makes no sense to advertise our struggles, especially since my husband has such a high profile occupation. Every time I’ve contemplated starting, fears crept in. Do people really care? What if I write something that upsets someone? How will disclosing something that most people consider very private affect our lives? Do I really have anything worthwhile to say?
If everything I want is on the other side of fear, I must overcome and move past my fear to receive what I truly want: peace. Peace from the distress of never being able to get pregnant without IVF. Peace from the shame, anger and the despair I’ve felt at various points throughout this journey. Peace from the negative body image I’ve had due to weight gain. Peace to feel content with our situation.
So why am I deciding to write about this now? Because I have finally found peace, despite still facing a long road ahead. I no longer fear the future, but look forward to the perfect plan God has for our family. In the next post I will detail exactly what we’ve gone through so far. Everyone’s infertility story is different, and I am not saying the decisions we have made are better or worse than other people’s. It’s simply a timeline of events that have lead us to this moment.
Most importantly, I want to pay it forward. I’m a completely different person today than when this journey started 3 years ago. I am so thankful for the person God has turned me into through it, and I want to share how I’ve overcome my fear with others going through the same painful experiences. My sister-in-law was the voice that gave me the courage to finally begin posting. She said “they don’t really want advice, they just want to know there is someone going through the same thing, that what they’re feeling is OK.” Infertility can be very isolating, and I just want those ladies to know that someone else understands.
At the end of every blog, you’ll find bible verses pertaining to that post. I hope my writing will reflect the imperfect human heart we all possess. I hope it shows my weakness, my failings, and my sinfulness. And I hope it shows God’s power, His perfection, and His love for His creation. “But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weakness, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. 2Corinthians 12:9-10
Everything we want is on the other side of fear. Let God take away your fear and give you peace.
Isaiah 41:10, Philippians 4:6-7, 2 Timothy 1:7, Psalm 34:4, 1 Peter 5:7, Joshua 1:9
Cedar N' Steel 