Cedar N' Steel

Whenever I go to Starbucks, the baristas, having steamed the milk to add to their otherwise unpalatable coffee, put the used metal cup in the sink and run hot water until it overflows. This is how I currently picture my heart and mind; overflowing with faith and love and ideas God has given me. Now that you know my fertility history, I have been at a loss where to go from here. Muddled thoughts plague my constantly working type-A brain, so today I asked God for wisdom and, as He promises in James 1:5 “If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.” He advised me to share what’s helped the most.

“My heart, which is so full to overflowing, has often been solaced and refreshed by music when sick and weary.” I feel you Martin Luther. Throughout this season of infertility, nothing has healed me more than the music God has brought into my life. I feel every song came exactly when my head and heart needed to hear it.  God uses all sorts of methods to reach the withered soul; for me He used music.

When I found out both my fallopian tubes were deformed and unusable, I was alone. Michael was at some tournament or other, and so as with pretty much 90% of this process, I went to the hospital for yet another test by myself. Now before you all go find my husband and berate him for his abandonment, wife before job blah blah blah, I’ll tell you that we went into this understanding he would only be involved in the things he was needed for. I was certainly capable of going to doctor’s appointments on my own, and if he came to every appointment he probably would not have played a single tournament last year. He and I are a team, working towards the same goals, each with our own contributions to the life we are trying to create. I’m not saying this arrangement works for everyone going through the infertility process (everyone must find the system that works best for them), or that there weren’t times I wished he was there to hold me while I cried. In Michael, God gave me the perfect partner for this journey. What doing it mostly on my own has taught me is that I am tough enough to handle anything this process throws at me, not because I am strong on my own, but because I know God gives me whatever strength I need (Philippians 4:13, “I can do all things through Him who gives me strength”).

So when I found out my fallopian tubes were closed and needed to be removed, meaning IVF was our only option for biological children, I cried in my doctor’s arms. And then I went out to my car and cried into the phone to Michael, and then cried into the phone to my mom. And I cried out to God how angry I was with Him for doing this to me. What little hope I had clung to that we would be able to get pregnant on our own, to have that moment when you get to look at a pregnancy test with excited anticipation and watch the second line slowly appear and then come up with some creative way to tell your husband, that hope evaporated.

Unwilling to go home, I drove aimlessly. The movie God’s Not Dead was in theaters, and it was God who sent me to see it, when I was at my most desolate. It wasn’t the content of the movie that stirred me, but the song sung by Tricia Brock called “What I Know,” that played during the credits. I’m not sure who quoted “Music is what feelings sound like,” but this song was exactly how I felt, and also exactly the answer to my questions at that moment. Praise God for His comfort!

In the verses, she sings “It’s been another day when it seems like faith eludes me. Everything’s been so confusing; fear got the best of me. Now I’m lying here worried about tomorrow cause the weight of everything I don’t know is so heavy I can’t sleep…I could throw my fist in the air demanding answers.” Like I said, exactly how I felt in that moment of despair. But then, aha, the answer: “But what I know is you my God are real, NO MATTER HOW I FEEL, you’ve never let me go. And what I know is there will never be a day you aren’t just a breath away, and through it all I’ve gotta hold to what I know…And if it doesn’t turn out like I think it should, it doesn’t change the fact you’re always good. YOUR WAYS ARE HIGHER THAN MINE…And through it all I’ve gotta hold to love that’s never failing, to hope that keeps on saying, CARRY ON…”

God was telling me all I had to do was keep going. I didn’t have to figure out why this burden had come to us. I didn’t have to try to be happy while everything burned around me. I didn’t have to do this on my own. Every test I went to, every procedure I had to have done, God promised to be right there with me the whole time. God is real, no matter what we believe or feel about Him, and He is good, no matter what hardships we must go through. I know this logic makes absolutely no sense, but the supernatural by its very nature is beyond human comprehension. We simply cannot understand things the way God understands them. He knows all of past, present and future; we only see our tiny subsection of His vast history. All we can do is cling to His promises of His goodness, His love, His mercy, His omnipotence, omnipresence, and omniscience (get out your dictionary folks!)

I could seriously write a dissertation about all the songs that have moved me throughout this journey, but because I have a blinding headache writing this post, I have listed below what I’ve dubbed my Fertility Playlist. The word fertile means “capable of producing abundance, capable of becoming a new individual,” and God has created a new person in me through this season of suffering. Music has been a huge part of that transformation and it would be a crime not to share the songs that have inspired me. I pray you find rest for your soul, and comfort for your suffering.

Matthew 11:28, John 16:33, Psalm 46: 1-2, Psalm 126:5, Job 5:11, Isaiah 41:10,           2 Corinthians 1:3-4

Fertility Playlist: I recommend the Spotify app to create this playlist if you don’t wanna download.

“What I Know” by Tricia Brock:Tturned my focus to God and gave me the strength to just keep going.

“Oceans” by Hillsong United (the extended version): Literally the entire song is perfect. This song got me through the initial fear of how difficult the IVF process would be.

“Worn” by Tenth Avenue North: A song that describes exactly how it feels to suffer, and how much I wanted to see my faith rewarded.

“Blessings” by Laura Story: A different perspective on suffering, and a reminder that this world is not our true home.

“The Sun is Rising” by Britt Nicole: Reminds me that I just have to keep going; No matter how long it takes, we will make it. God promises.

“Help Me Find It” by Sidewalk Prophets: Trying to make sense of my inability to have children, I cried out to God to show me what I was supposed to do, giving the burden to Him.

“Beautiful Things” by Gungor: We sang this at the Mother’s day church service, which I had to leave to cry in the bathroom. Only God can make beautiful things from ashes.

“Alive Again” by Matt Maher: The song that made me realize God had been screaming at me the whole time to wake up from my despair and find strength in Him. What took me so long?

“Cornerstone” by Hillsong United: Another song from church reminding me to build my hope on my salvation, and not on my desire to have a baby.

“You Never Let Go” by Matt Redman: I have nothing to fear if my hope is in God.

“It Is Well With My Soul” Christ Rice Version: Taught me to remember my future is secured in Christ, whether I’m able to conceive or not.

“Lift My Life Up” by Unspoken: After our first transfer failed, this gave me the strength to carry on.

“The Stand” Jeff Johnson version: When I abandoned myself completely to God’s plan, and not the one I thought I wanted or needed.

“God’s Not Dead” by Newsboys: Makes me feel powerful from my love for the Lord, who dwells within me. Psalm 46:5. We are strong!!!

“Live Like That” Sidewalk Prophets: How I want to live my life, no matter the outcome of our infertility journey.

“Lord I’m Ready Now” by Plumb: How I feel now, exposed and abandoned to God, ready for whatever future He has planned and joyful and content in Him alone, no matter what happens with the IVF.