Cedar N' Steel

Up until now, our next transfer felt like some far off occurrence preceded by countless other activities. It never felt real, except for the fact that I’ve been plying myself with various forms of hormones in preparation, but that just feels like a daily part of my routine added to the mountain of other pills I’ve been taking for 6 months. I now have no more distractions, because today is transfer day! In a mere 2 hours, my fertility doctor will put two of those little lives in and then begins the 9 day wait until my pregnancy blood test. And possibly a 9 month wait after that…OMG.

Stopping in Hattiesburg, MS for dinner last night with our caddie, he made a comment that I’ve been thinking about ever since. He said “It’s pretty amazing that this time tomorrow you’ll be pregnant.” My response was something like “hopefully” or “well we still have to wait for them to implant,” but since I’ve thought about it a bit I’ve decided he’s right. Even if it takes days for those little guys (or gals, or both) to find a cozy haven to grow, I’ll know they’re in there, something normal women trying to conceive can’t know until they pee on a stick two weeks later. Since I’ll know they’re in there, for at least 9 days, I’ll be doing everything I can to provide the optimal environment for them to grow. Deep down I know God is the one who opens or closes the womb, decides whether they stick or not, and sustains them for 9 months, but I also believe I must be prudent with the knowledge and resources He’s given me to take good care of myself the next week and a half….and eat lots of pineapple.

To me, pregnancy doesn’t just mean an egg and sperm have united to create a blastocyst that has then burrowed into my uterus and will grow for 9 months.  To me, pregnancy means God has given me the responsibility for protecting, nourishing, growing, and loving something He created. Because God creates life…not doctors. The embryologist may have been the one to combine the egg and sperm, but God guided her steady hand, helped her pick the perfect specimens to go together, and helped her create the perfect environment for them to grow. God decided which ones would develop and how many. God is the driving force behind all of this, no matter how many doctors and nurses are involved in carrying it out. He has put so many wonderful people in our life to help us achieve this dream, but now He’s called me up to bat. All our hard work over the past year comes to this day, when He will entrust these little ones into my keeping. In 2 hours, they become my responsibility.

Oh geez y’all I’m nervous. I’m not gonna be all high and mighty saying I have perfect peace and complete confidence. Even though I know God is good no matter the result, that He loves me, that He’s in charge and has a perfect plan in mind, that it’s His timing and He desires what’s best for me, even with all that knowledge in mind, I’m still nervous because I want it to work so badly. With my previous transfers, I always had doubt in the back of my mind as a way to protect myself if we did’t have the desired outcome. I came up with fun things to do if it didn’t work, like taking a bath while drinking a glass of wine and eating sushi.

This time feels significantly different, not because I have 100% resolve that it will work (I know it might not), but because I KNOW FROM EXPERIENCE that God will be beside me if it doesn’t. He has every other time it’s failed, so why should this time be any different? I did’t feel that assurance of His guiding hand the first two tries, but this time I know He will help me handle any outcome. That doesn’t take away the niggling nervousness about wanting it to work, but thinking about God holding my hand the entire way gives me peace that I will be fine no matter what. I don’t have to do anything except continue through the process with my eyes fixed on Jesus. If it’s not meant to work, He will comfort and strengthen me. If it is meant to work, He will sustain and enlighten me.

Just writing this early morning post has brought me peace. I thank God for using my writing to calm, teach, and transform me. I originally started this blog with the desire to help others understand the infertility struggle many women go through and find peace through their own journeys to start a family. Unexpectedly, He has used my writing to show himself to ME. I have learned so much about God simply by writing about Him.  Just another reminder that God is in all of us just waiting to be called upon for help.

I wanted to thank everyone who has supported me through prayers, hugs, phone calls, emails, text messages, and all other modes of communication. God is so good to put so many wonderful people in our lives to show us how loved we are! I promise to keep updating people on our progress and pray for the strength to continue blogging no matter the result of this transfer. The only thing I know is God gives me strength for everything He brings me to.

OMG I’M GONNA BE PREGNANT IN 2 HOURS!!! Genesis 30:22…I HOPE SO!!

John 14:27, Psalm 29:11, Philippians 4:13 (NIV), Jeremiah 1:4-5, Psalm 139:13