Cedar N' Steel

We live in a world of instant gratification. We hate to wait. We want to do it now, know the answer now, get what we want…right…now.

For the infertile lady going through IVF, the nine day wait from the embryo transfer to the pregnancy test is excruciating. It’s the culmination of every test, every procedure, every drug, and every prayer. You and your doctor are finally confident enough in the state of your body and your embryos to put them in and see what happens. They are in there. Please God don’t let me screw it up.

It’s nine days of balancing activity to keep the blood flowing with rest to keep stress levels low. Nine days of eating pineapple cores, avocados and brazil nuts, drinking pomegranate juice and avoiding coffee and alcohol, and sleeping only on your left side. Nine days of putting into action everything the success stories swear by. Nine days of looking for anything that could be a symptom of implantation.

After three transfers, I haven’t found the magic way to deal with it except to stay busy, eat and drink healthy, and keep stress low. For seven days, I’ve binged on Netflix, worked on travel plans for our upcoming tournaments, organized our 2015 finances, cut fabric for my next quilting project, read books, walked, done yoga, meditated, run errands, and now written a blog post. When I felt tired, I lay on the couch and rested. When I felt energized, I got stuff done. The point is I’ve distracted myself with anything I could think of to pass the time and keep from thinking about what’s happening in there. Life doesn’t cease while I wait.

This transfer feels different from the other two because I realized I’ve completely given the results up to God. With the other two, I worried and stressed over every aspect of the process, trying to get everything perfect to make it work. Now I realize only He can make it successful or not. I can eat the perfect diet, sleep in the perfect position, do the perfect amount of activity, do everything everyone tells me to do and it still may not work. If God wills it, it will work. If He does not, no amount of effort on my part will change that because He is God and I am not. Honestly, this takes a lot of pressure off me. I’ve basically said “God, you deal with this. It’s too big for me.”

Waiting teaches us patience. Patience is defined as the ability to accept or tolerate delay, trouble or suffering without getting upset. How can we learn to be patient if we always get everything we want when we want it? Infertility has taught me that I CAN wait and how to wait well, with peace in my heart and a joy on my face that only God can put there. Patience reflects spiritual maturity, and I’m so thankful God has developed this in me through all this.

Waiting also teaches us fortitude, defined as courage, endurance, emotional strength, and steadfastness in the midst of adversity. You never know how strong you are until being strong is your only option. One of my favorite things to come out of all this is how I view myself. Not as a weak, timid, useless, failing, scared girl, but as a powerful, intelligent, beautiful, badass woman with a purpose. A strong woman who can handle anything with God inside her. Waiting has given me the time to really see myself how God sees me, as someone worthy of His love and someone He has plans for.

Right now, as I type, I’m sitting on my screened-in porch as the sun sets, shooting golden arrows through the trees. Our cat lazes on the ottoman at my feet, content with the safety of her human. A blood red Cardinal sings to his mate and the sweet scent of budding flowers dances through the swaying verdant foliage. A Mumford and Sons song called “I Will Wait” has just started playing on my Spotify Favorites playlist. My eyes glisten (thanks hormones) while I listen to the lyrics, knowing they are perfect for this blog. That’s what God does. He gives us exactly what we need when we need it. If we trust that, we have nothing to worry about. And we can wait as long as He needs us to.

From Mumford and Sons “I Will Wait”

“Now I’ll be bold; as well as strong; and use my head alongside my heart; so tame my flesh; and fix my eyes; a tethered mind freed from the lies; and I’ll kneel down, wait for now…’cause I will wait I will wait for you.

Psalm 31:24, Psalm 27:14, Lamentations 3:25, Psalm 39:7, Nahum 1:7, Matthew 11:28, Romans 8:28