Cedar N' Steel

I read the most amazing passage in my Oswald Chambers devotional, My Utmost for His Highest, and it perfectly describes what true faith looks like. It reads: “Faith never knows where it’s being lead, but it loves and knows the One Who is leading…The root of faith is the knowledge of a Person, and one of the biggest snares is the idea that God is sure to lead us to success…The life of faith is not a life of mounting up on wings, but a life of walking and not fainting. It is not a question of sanctification; but of something infinitely further on than sanctification, of faith that has been tried and proved and has stood the test…a tried faith built on a real God.”

I think what he means is that true faith is in the person of God, not in the results of our faith (whether He answers our prayers or not). True faith never knows what’s around the next corner or expects a certain outcome, but it knows and trusts Who’s in charge of the future. Chambers says “the life of faith is not a life of mounting up on wings,” (i.e, having success because we are now Christian), “but a life of walking and not fainting (i.e, continuing to go forward with unceasing trust in God, no matter how hard things get, just like Job). For the suffering Christian this is a daily struggle, slogging through the muddy backbreaking weight of life’s difficulties and our emotions.

Suffering inevitably makes us doubt God because we can’t imagine how an all-powerful God, who is supposed to love us so much that He died for us, would allow such pain into our lives. We know He could take it all away in a heartbeat, so why doesn’t He? We doubt who He is, what we know about Him, and even whether He’s real. I’ve wondered all those things at various points in our infertility journey and sometimes still have thoughts like that. A girl in our small group said there are two ways to handle doubts about God: either turn away from Him or seek Him. That is the free will He gives us: to choose to turn and face Him or turn our backs and walk away.

Doubt doesn’t mean God isn’t who He says He is (loving, strong, just, kind, gentle; think fruits of the spirit). He doesn’t cease being who He is because we don’t believe in Him. It’s human ego to think we have that kind of power over Him. When we feel doubt, it simply means we don’t understand Him or know Him well enough to have the kind of true faith He’s asking for, a faith that knows Him so well that there’s no room for doubt.

The journey to that kind of faith is different for everyone and takes time and experiences uniquely tailored to the individual, but I do think we only know how strong our faith is when it’s been truly tested and holds firm. And I’m not just talking about a bad day that’s cured with a glass of wine tested. I mean something so painful, so exhausting, so maddening that it makes you question everything you ever believed or felt about God and life. It’s a test where nothing you try to do seems to make things better. It’s a test where you can’t find the answers in any book, or song, or image, or person. It’s a test where God’s silence deafens, driving us mad.

Sometimes He’s not asking us to learn something from our suffering. Sometimes He’s just asking us to weather the storm with Him so He can show us and those around us just how strong and deep our faith roots go. What a powerful statement we can make to the world if our faith holds firm, and even deepens when we suffer! They’ll wonder how we can smile amidst the chaos, which opens opportunities to share His love. True faith holds firm when it has absolutely no reason to by the world’s standards. True faith says “I love you and I trust you God, even though life makes absolutely no sense right now.” It says “I acknowledge I don’t understand this situation and can’t predict the outcome, but I know you are who you say you are and that’s all I need to know.” True faith says, as Jesus prayed in the Garden, “your will be done, Father.”

I am so thankful God has decided to reveal His true self to me through our infertility struggles. I made the conscious free will decision to pursue Him, to know Him better rather than turning my back on Him as so many do when faced with suffering. I stopped asking questions specific to our infertility issues and started asking God “Who are You? Please show me the real you, because obviously what I thought isn’t right.” I sought to know Jesus better, how He lived, what He thought, how He treated people, and tried to emulate that. Jesus is our real world example of who God is because He was God incarnate. He is the only perfect model for the true Christian life.

As hard as it is to continue slogging through the pain of infertility, I know God’s changing me through it. Every torrent of tears, every fit of rage, every overzealous display of joy, every clutch of despair, every emotion and experience brings me closer and closer everyday to that point of true faith where I can say without a doubt, “God I trust who you say you are, even though our future is uncertain. I wish only to know you better and I accept whatever happens to accomplish that, even if it doesn’t feel good.” I know I’m a long way away from freedom from doubt, but I’m on the right path to getting to know the real God and that is the true success.

John 20:29, 2 Corinthians 5:7, Matthew 14:31, Hebrews 11:1