Today I turned 30. I guess that makes me an adult, but I don’t think adulthood comes at any certain age. I think people reach adulthood at different ages based on what they’ve experienced, how they make decisions and handle tough situations. Over the past couple of months I’ve come to realize I am in fact an adult. I kept telling Michael that it felt like we were still college students pretending at adulthood, trying to minimize our mistakes. Now I’ve been married 5 years, pay taxes, own a house, run a small business, get things dry cleaned and make decisions (mostly) without parental input. From where I’m sitting that qualifies me as an adult.
I also think adulthood manifests when you’re asked to make tough decisions about the life you’re trying to create. Michael and I find ourselves unexpectedly on the precipice of such a decision. We transferred 2 embryos in August and were again unsuccessful, so our fertility doctor has recommended we consider gestational surrogacy for our last 2 frozen embryos.
On Wednesday afternoon, my fertility doctor told me she does not believe I will ever be able to carry a baby to term. We’ve created 10 good quality embryos and I’ve miscarried 8 of them all before 6 weeks. I do believe God can work miracles because His power surpasses all our understanding, but I also have to think maybe He’s telling us it’s not meant to work this way for us. Maybe it’s time to try a different tactic. Maybe we aren’t even meant to have biological children at all, but that is not the decision we have to make right now. Right now, we must decide what to do with these 2 embryos we have frozen, and I think we have decided to consider gestational surrogacy.
Interestingly, both Michael and my’s initial reactions had nothing to do with our own feelings and everything to do with what a huge physical, emotional, and psychological sacrifice it would be for the woman who would offer to carry the baby. My independent nature has a really hard time asking for help. I can’t even let the guy at Publix help me get my groceries to the car. It’s mind-blowing to think about another woman carrying our child for us.
The easiest thing would be to keep the responsibility solely on me and Michael and just transfer these last 2 embryos into me, hoping for a miracle. If I could snap my fingers and have my way, I’d want to carry my own children as any woman would, but this situation we find ourselves in isn’t really about me and what I want. We must do what gives these babies their best chance at life, and in our minds that best chance is not in me, but in someone else.
We would love for a family member or friend to be our surrogate, but we aren’t planning to ask anyone. We will simply let everyone know we are looking for a surrogate and see what happens. We don’t want to pressure anyone or make anyone feel uncomfortable with our request. We believe God will bring the right woman into our lives to carry our child, family, friend, or stranger; a woman who would be the child’s foster mother for 9 months, then a part of the family for the rest of the child’s life. The only criteria is the woman must be at least 21 and have had a child before.
Most of all, we trust God with our decision. We both feel we’d be honoring the life He created in our 2 embryos by entrusting them to someone else’s body. Personally, I feel a sense of negligence transferring them into me; based on previous experience I have no reason to believe they would survive. I don’t really feel anything regarding the possibility of never carrying my own child, never experiencing pregnancy or childbirth. I’ve accepted the fact that I am infertile. It sucks, but life goes on and time passes the same even when things aren’t going the way you want them to. God loves me and gives me peace when I ask for it. He helps me fight Satan’s schemes daily when doubt and despair try to take hold.
Michael’s unwavering positivity throughout this whole saga has been my earthly rock and I am so grateful God gave him to me. He knew exactly the type of man I would need for all this and He definitely provided. Now we must use the knowledge we’ve been given and try to make the best decision we can. God values all life and these embryos deserve a chance. As their mother and father, it’s our responsibility to do what’s best for them, even though they’re the size of a pencil point right now. They still deserve life no matter what path it takes, and we hope this new cliff we stand on overlooks the life and family we’re trying to create. The only thing we have left to do is muster the courage to jump.
Cedar N' Steel 