Cedar N' Steel

Yesterday I drove across the Golden Gate Bridge. It wasn’t on my agenda when I woke up at 4:30 am central time to travel west for the start of the PGA tour season in Napa, CA. Heck, I had no idea how I would get from San Francisco to Napa once I got there. I only knew I had a rental car and I’d figure it out along the way. I woke up, hit snooze once, dressed, straightened the house we are still trying to sell in Birmingham, and went to the airport. After a 40 minute layover in Atlanta and 4 1/2 hour flight to San Francisco, I picked up my rental car and hit the road.

After I punched in my destination 70 miles away, Google Maps gave me three route options to choose from. Two took me through downtown San Fran, across the San Francisco Bay Bridge. Google Maps indicated these as the shorter routes to my destination, but also showed a lot of red notched traffic along the way. The third route took me north west of the San Francisco and San Pablo bays. To avoid the chaos of California traffic, I decided to take the 20 minute longer route northwest. I still had no idea what the route entailed, but I figured it would at least be more scenic.

Every once in a while, I’d glance down at my phone to see how far I was from the next exit or turn and it wasn’t until about 20 minutes into my trip that I zoomed in and realized my route took me across the Golden Gate Bridge. I started to reflect on how at the start of my day I had only my destination in mind with a vague plan of how I would get there, but now in the midst of it, I was experiencing something I never thought I’d get to do, something beyond my expectations. I no longer thought about getting to Napa; I was focused on enjoying the experience of driving over one of the most beautiful and recognizable bridges in the world. The magnitude of the moment overwhelmed me.

One of the greatest things to come from my infertility is I find myself living more in the present, enjoying the situation I find myself in at that exact moment, and trying to recognize the importance of the most mundane experiences. I used to be a planner, trying to figure out every detail before it would happen, plotting every course, making contingencies for unexpected scenarios, and generally controlling every situation. I’d become stressed with all the possible problems that could arise and upset when things didn’t work out the way I wanted.

Infertility has taught me how to roll with the punches, laugh at the failures, and give up control in favor of contentment and peace. It’s taught me to appreciate every moment and every experience and not let a single second be wasted on fear, worry, and sadness. It’s taught me that right now is the most important point in time, not yesterday or tomorrow, and I should appreciate what’s going on today.

I think that’s exactly how God wants us to live. He doesn’t want us to live in the past, never moving forward or growing into the amazing beings He’s created us to be. And He doesn’t want us to live in the future, obsessing over what could happen, anxiously worrying about all the possibles outcomes for our situations. He wants us to live fully and completely right now, to engage and appreciate exactly where we are, and just leave the future up to Him.

This isn’t to say we don’t reflect on how far we’ve come from where we’ve been and who we used to be, or don’t work towards accomplishing our goals. I think He just wants us to appreciate all the moments we get, big and small, exciting and mundane, joyful and sorrowful. He doesn’t want us so focused on our destination that we miss key moments along the way. He doesn’t want me so focused on trying to have a baby that I don’t appreciate the journey it’s taking to get there.

God loves shattering our expectations, taking us outside our comfort zones, and putting us in situations we never thought we’d be in. Why should our infertility journey be any different? Right now I’m focused on enjoying every moment of it and leaving the future up to Him. We’ll continue traveling down our infertile highway, checking every so often for turns and exits, until suddenly we’ll look down and realize we’re about to cross the Golden Gate Bridge.

“Most humans are never fully present in the now, because unconsciously they believe that the next moment must be more important than this one. But then you miss your whole life, which is never not now. And that’s a revelation for some people: to realize that your life is only ever now.” ~Eckhart Tolle

Matthew 6:25-34, Philippians 4:11, Isaiah 43:25, 2 Corinthians 5:17