A couple of weeks ago, I had the astonishing privilege to experience 3 shooting stars in a span of 36 hours. Naturally I googled upcoming meteor showers, but all-knowing Google couldn’t attribute the phenomenon to any such event. Even more surprising, two blazed defiantly across the hazy light-polluted Phoenix skyline, amazing us who witnessed with their ability to shine through all barriers. The other shimmered, as I flew above the clouds bound for home, through the vast midnight ocean sugared with it’s stationary sisters. Infertility has made me more perceptive.
I’m getting better at recognizing things as more significant than what they appear at first glance. That’s how God designed our world…not just skin deep, but complex, intricate, precise. We can never understand everything because we are not God, but He does give us glimpses into who He is and what He’s doing to remind us of His love, strength, patience, and perfect peace. I find the more I’m intentional and disciplined with my Bible study and prayer, the more I’m attuned to His whispering and presence. These shooting stars whispered something deeper to my soul than simply balls of gas and particles racing through space. Infertility has made me a deeper thinker.
Early on in my infertility struggle, a good friend of mine texted me about an early blog I wrote that came from a darker time in my journey. She said she hated to see me so focused on the one thing I didn’t have (a baby), the one thing I wasn’t (a mom), and not see all the wonderful blessings I did have, all the roles my life already fulfilled. Even though she was exactly right, I don’t really recommend someone use this comment as support for an infertile woman, especially if you are NOT an infertile woman, unless said woman has found peace with her barrenness. Thankfully, I chose a long time ago to forgive any and all comments I deemed insensitive because I knew they all came from good hearts. God sees our heart, even if what we say and do isn’t perfect, so I strive to follow His example dealing with others. Infertility has made me more graceful.
Observing those shooting stars, my mind almost immediately recalled her comment. Just reminds us of the power of words and how much something we say can have far-reaching impact on someone’s life. Infertility had caused me to see my life as an empty dark sky, devoid of light or beauty, or maybe a sky clouded, hazy, chaotic, swirling, polluted by my emotions, my perception of my circumstances, my idolatry of control, completely impenetrable to anything good or bright. Impenetrable to hope. I focused only on the endless dark and couldn’t see the sprinkle of stars God had lovingly placed in my life; my husband, my family and friends, my surroundings and my potential. Infertility has made me more introspective.
Even when the sky swirls with threatening storm clouds or shatters with drenching rains, even when clouds blot out every bright light creating a seemingly endless blanket of fog, even when it seems nothing will crack the bleak outlook of never-ending monotony, the stars are still there, shining just as brightly above the clouds as on a clear night. They never change or go away no matter how hard we avoid them. They’re still there even when we can’t see them. Sometimes one scampers across the boundless heavens and we’re awe-struck at it’s boldness to bring such excitement to our world, especially when we’re not expecting it. There was no meteor shower that night. Infertility has made me wonder like a child again.
Faith is when we remind ourselves of the stars whenever clouds block them from our view. Faith is when we boldly say we have hope, even when the outlook remains dreary and unchanged, even when our own emotions tell us hope is pointless. Faith says “I believe God loves me and has a perfect plan even though my vision is clouded.” This mindset allows us to soar above the clouds and darkness, safely ensconced in the airplane of God’s arms, and find ourselves surrounded by clear twinkling reminders of His love. A new nephew in the family, answered prayers for a loved one, a good finish on the golf course, a beautiful home, health, friends, fun. Stars are too numerous to count. Infertility has reminded me of God’s myriad blessings.
And sometimes, God sends a shining blaze of glory across our lives, a triumphant success beyond what we could ever imagine that leaves us smiling, speechless and encouraged. Sometimes He even breaks through the barrier of Phoenix caliber smog and light pollution to remind us of His unmatched power. There’s no barrier He can’t break, no darkness He can’t brighten. We have only to look up from our own pain and search for His light we know is already there waiting for us to take notice. Infertility has taught me to smile and hope even in the darkest times.
John 1:5, Luke 1:79, Hebrews 11:1, John 11:10, 1 Thess 5:5, John 8:12, 1 John 1: 5-7
Cedar N' Steel 