A week ago, finding ourselves unusually unencumbered on a beautiful sunny southeast Georgia Sunday, Michael and I decided to go to the beach for the afternoon. We live only 3 miles from the Atlantic Ocean, yet hardly ever indulge in lazy weekends given the nature of our work. However this particular day offered quiet respite from our hectic unpredictable schedule, and so we packed our books and sunblock, donned our bathing suits and headed out to activate some Vitamin D.
We set up on a couple of beach chairs under a green umbrella, unrolled our striped towels and planned to settle in for an afternoon devoted to the soul portion of our well-beings. Having experienced a significant sunburn several weeks ago in Puerto Rico, I opted to avoid sun exposure completely that day, instead seeking to enjoy the sounds of the waves crashing, sea gulls shrieking, children laughing.
If you know me, you know I hardly ever go in the water at the beach. I usually just set up a towel or a chair and lay in the warm sun reading a book or listening to music, occasionally walking in the surf a short ways searching for interesting shells. I have no idea what inspired me this particular day, but instead of remaining safely ensconced in my natural habitat, I ventured out to check the water temperature.
The Southeast Georgia coast is one of the largest breeding grounds in the world for sharks. To avoid giving some hungry tiger shark a free meal, I ambulated the 30 feet or so from our base camp only to the edge of the surf, allowing what turned out to be mildly chilly water to sluice over my feet. The 5 second journey proved quite remarkable. It wasn’t a triangular fin or the water temperature that caught my attention however, for in the 30 foot walk from my safe zone to my destination, I must’ve counted about 10 purple sand dollars at various levels of sand submersion.
I grew up going to the beach with my family and finding sand dollars, especially whole ones, was a rare occurrence. Finding one always gave great cause for excitement, so you can imagine my astonishment at unearthing such a bounty. I swiftly retraced my steps and pulled Michael out of his iPhone haze to come see my bonanza. Upon inspection, we discovered they were live sand dollars with minuscule tentacles on the underside, gyrating to catch purchase to bury themselves deeper in the sodden sand. We decided to take a walk to the end of the beach together instead of lazing under our umbrella.
Once we started seeing sand dollars, we couldn’t not see them. They were everywhere. Hundreds of sand dollars, some on top of the sand baking in the afternoon sun, others partially hidden, and many creating tell-tale cookie sized mounds seeking refuge from the scorching sun’s rays. We also found a few beige specimens, devoid of tentacles, that we surmised were remnants of past lives. We pocketed them and I vowed to Pinterest how to make them pearly white like the ones in all the souvenir stores. Apparently it requires water, bleach, Elmer’s glue, and a paintbrush FYI.
We chatted with other beach-goers about the sand dollars and they were just as excited as we were. My biology brain wondered what ecological reason they had for being there in such large numbers. At first, we thought we should toss them back into the ocean so they wouldn’t die from heat exhaustion and dehydration. However, one passerby smartly pointed out that they probably were here for a reason and Google informed us that sand dollar reproduction occurred in spring and summer and they burrow in sand so the waves don’t toss them around; so we decided to just take home the ones we could and otherwise just enjoy the new unexpected experience.
One of the first things we had to think about when we decided to adopt was what kind of adoption we wanted to do. There’s domestic (from here in the US) or international. If we choose international, we have to decide what country. There’s infant adoption (newborn to 12 months), toddler adoption, child adoption, teenager adoption. There’s open adoption, semi-open, and closed adoption (how much contact you have with the birth family). There’s intra-state (within your state of residence) and inter-state (from another state). There’s agency adoption, private adoption through a lawyer, adoption from the foster care system. There’s single adoption, multiple adoption, sibling adoption. There’s trans-racial adoption, special needs adoption, adoption of babies exposed to drugs and alcohol, adoption of babies without prenatal care, and so on and so on. There’s so many choices to consider, decisions that have to be made about what child (or children) you are willing to adopt, it can get overwhelming.
We also have people asking us questions about these choices and decisions, interjecting their own thoughts, experiences and opinions. When we tell people what we’re thinking, some nod their heads and understand and support, others wonder why we choose that and not something else. So far we haven’t experienced any resistance to our choices, but we know some might scoff at them and we hope we can respond gracefully and firmly. We’re so grateful for everyone’s input, solicited or unsolicited, but we know no matter what anyone says, the decisions are ultimately up to me and Michael. Although others will help in the care and love of our children, at the end of the day God entrusts them to us and they’re our responsibility.
There are a lot of children in need of families all over the world, including unborn children whose parents are trying to decide whether to give them life or not. When most people picture adoption, they see a family going to a foreign country and bringing home an orphan. Others advocate for adopting from foster care, wondering why people go get children from overseas when there are plenty of kids who need homes right here in the US. Not many people think of adopting from a pregnant couple who selflessly and courageously choose life but can’t parent for various reasons. Those children need homes as much as children already born. Some people feel called to adopt special needs kids, sometimes with severe physical disabilities, mental illness, and/or history of trauma and neglect, whose lives are just as valuable and in need of unconditional love and care as those without these issues.
As believers in God, called to love, compassion, sacrifice, discipline, and forgiveness, our hearts see someone in need and feel the wrongness of their plight. We feel the urge to do something for them. God calls us to different acts of service based on the personalities and characteristics He gave us when He created us, and He puts people and situations in our path for us to act on His behalf, show His kind of love and generosity, change our hearts and minds to grow stronger and wiser, and make a difference in the lives of the suffering. Sometimes we respond, sometimes we don’t. We don’t have to do it all. Oftentimes we try to do everything we can for everyone without replenishing our own physical, mental, psychological, and spiritual needs. We forget we are also human, also suffering in some way whether we realize it or not, also in need of help and connection, also just as flawed and imperfect as everyone else.
Much like seeing sand dollars, once Michael and I started thinking about adoption and seeing it in practice, we couldn’t not see it. It’s everywhere. The Honeymaid “Little Brother” and Principal Financial “Adoption” commercials. Families shepherding obviously adopted children through airports. A transracial family sharing a meal together at a restaurant. The emails from Compassion International asking us to add another sponsored child to the two we currently support. Church services, media outlets, books and articles, mission trips, personal stories and all the other myriad ways of sharing information with one another, all telling us how many children need families and how Christians should lead this endeavor. When God opens our eyes to something He needs us for, He won’t let us close them again no matter how hard we fight.
We want to provide homes to them all, but we can only provide a home to a few and encourage others to do the same when God calls them to a similar situation. There are so many ways to get involved in orphan care, whether adopting, fostering, financially supporting, mentoring women in difficult circumstances, providing services and resources to children and families in need; the list is never-ending. Through our IVF failures and continued desire to be parents, Michael and I have decided to adopt. We have no idea where God will lead us as we follow Him through this new door He’s opened, but we are open to whatever He has in mind and seek to follow His guidance and trust His plan.
One of the things the (Christian) adoption books we’ve read says is to be honest about what you can handle based on the information and experiences you’ve accumulated up to that point. As much as we wish to trust God and His plan, we also trust the wisdom He gives us to set limits and say “no” to some situations. He doesn’t expect us to say “yes” to every situation we’re presented with, but He expects us to be all in, completely committed to who He does bring to us. We won’t be guilt-tripped into taking on situations we can’t give our absolute best to. No adoption is any better or worse, any more sacrificial or less sacrificial, any more loving or less loving in God’s eyes than any other adoption. They are all just kids who need parents, kids who need love and care and boundaries, kids who need guidance, kids who can’t take care of themselves, kids who God has a purpose for and who need others to help them realize that purpose.
It’s hard to find the balance between giving control up to God and making decisions trusting the knowledge He’s given us, but we’re doing our best to be sensitive to that balance as we navigate this process. We may see sand dollars everywhere we turn, but we should only take home the ones we can take care of with the limited resources we have. If we spread ourselves too thin, we have less of ourselves to give to everyone who needs us. As of right now, our plan is to do Domestic Infant adoption, connecting with birthfamilies through intermediaries to adopt a child from 0 (unborn) up to 12 months old. We don’t have a race or gender preference. We are still discussing whether we’d take children exposed to poor prenatal care, and multiples (twins, siblings), knowing the more limitations we put on the adoption, the harder it’ll be and longer it’ll take to grow our family. And after everything we’ve been through we are definitely ready to be parents, but we also seek God’s wisdom and patience in the process to make sure we hear His voice every step of the way.
If you wonder how we came to those conclusions, just ask us. We are very open about the decisions we’ve made and love to share the process with others. We’d love to hear your opinions and concerns, but just know we plan to make the best decision for me and Michael and may not follow your advice, though we still love you and feel grateful for your concern. We ask that you simply support our decisions and love our children (and their birth families) unconditionally, whoever they turn out to be. We know we’ve got an army of people around us just waiting to love on Baby Thompson(s).
Our goal isn’t simply to grow our own family, but to encourage others to grow their families in this way as well, to see adoption as an equally viable option for having children, and to open the world’s eyes to this huge global need. There are sand dollars everywhere, some out in the open, some partially hidden, some buried deep waiting for a hardy seeking soul to find it. There’s enough to go around. Orphan care may not be what God calls you too, but you are needed somewhere. We just have to follow whatever unknowable force beckons us outside the comfortable shade of our life’s umbrella to courageously test the water, guarding ourselves from evil’s shark-infested ocean of fear and doubt. Along the way from the known to the unknown, God may just open our eyes to something that can never go unseen again, something that requires our attention and action, something we may never have seen if we hadn’t taken the first step on the beach.
John 14:18, Psalm 82:3, Job 29:12, 1 Samuel 1:27, Psalm 40:4, 6-8
Cedar N' Steel 