Over the past week, several things have brought my attention to Satan, to darkness, to evil. The first came in a song lyric from North Point InsideOut “Death was Arrested” where the singer croons “Our Savior displayed on a criminal’s cross, Darkness rejoiced as though Heaven had lost.” This visual, of Satan in his lair smiling and laughing at his supposed triumph brings to mind in the beginning of Job where Satan asks God’s permission to afflict the righteous Job to test Job’s faith, and God allows it. Satan takes Job’s family, his possessions, and his health, leaving him nothing but his life and Job is stricken with grief, no end in sight. Satan gleefully rejoices in his supposed prize.

The Bible, and today’s world, are full of stories of people stricken with poverty, illness, disability, death of loved ones, natural disasters, wars with neighboring tribes, terrorism, etc. The most significant of all, indeed the most significant event in all of human history was the Crucifixion. The worst things that could ever happen to a person: mockery, severe battery and abuse, slander, unjust trial, death penalty for false accusations, all happened to the greatest, wisest, kindest, most loving, perfect human to ever live, not to mention he was actually God in human flesh. And God, in all his power and wisdom and love, did nothing about it. Even when Jesus cried out “Father, why have you forsaken me?” God remained silent and let it happen. “Light of the world by darkness slain” (in Christ Alone).

Our human hearts and minds ask “Why?” Why did God allow all the suffering in the Bible, and in today’s world, when the Bible itself attests to His perfect love, perfect goodness, perfect strength, perfect wisdom; to the fact that He could’ve stopped it all in a heartbeat and restored everything to Heavenly standards in a finger snap. We humans try, with our arrogant yet limited intellectual capacity, to answer this question. We say it means there is no God, or that if there is one, he must not be as powerful as Christians and the Bible claim. He must not be stronger than Satan after all, since Satan seems to keep winning.

I chuckle when I hear these passionate arguments against God. As if you or I or anyone in the entire world are smart enough to completely understand God’s wisdom. God states quite clearly in Isaiah 55:9 “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.” I don’t care how many times you’ve read the Bible, how many degrees you have, how many scientific experiments you’ve conducted, how many books you’ve written, or whether you are the biggest atheist or the Pope. You and I will never fully understand God. We can never fully understand His reasoning for allowing some things, and intervening in others. He reveals Himself in small ways to people as they go through life, through various circumstances and interactions, especially to those who seek Him. However, for every person it’ll always come down to a choice: Do you trust Him or don’t you? Suffering always brings us to that choice.

To suffer is to feel pain or distress, to sustain loss, to endure something unpleasant. What suffering has happened or is happening in your life? Do you perceive it as momentous or just annoying? In my experience, it doesn’t matter how big or small. Suffering is suffering and needs to be dealt with. Avoiding the emotions and consequences of suffering delays the healing process. We all find our own coping mechanisms for dealing with pain and suffering, some destructive like alcohol, drugs, material possessions, and excessive exercise, and some more tame like reading inspiring books, listening to inspiring music, and spending time with good friends and family. I’d like to give you a glimpse into my biggest coping mechanism for dealing with my inability to bear children, because I believe it’s a mechanism every person can use for any manner of suffering they experience.

I said I’ve been thinking a lot about Satan lately, what he’s currently doing in the world, and the way I’ve been thinking about him is in the form of a question “What does Satan want me to do?” You all are probably bug-eyed right now wondering what the heck I’m talking about. As an unashamed Christian, aren’t I supposed to only ponder what God wants me to do and focus on Him? In fact, I think it’s God Himself, by giving me glimpses into His interactions with Satan through songs I’ve heard, books I’ve read (Case for Faith, Screwtape Letters), Bible studies I’ve done (Priscilla Shirer’s Armor of God study), and things I’ve felt and witnessed in my own life, who’s given me this new perspective of not only “What does God want me to do,” but also “What does Satan want me to do.”

Satan has an idea how we should respond to suffering and a lot of the time we just go right along with his plans. In the midst of the pain of another miscarriage, the discomfort of another medical procedure, another drug regimen that ruins my body, another doctor without answers, another failed attempt to start a family, I have two choices. I can let Satan have his victory, let darkness overtake my soul, feel self-pity and shame at my body’s inability to do what it’s designed for, feel anxiety and worry about my future, feel anger, despair, fear, and sorrow at the seemingly endless road ahead, and let all these things paralyze me into inaction and sinful behavior. That’s what Satan wants. He gleefully waits to claim his prize in me as he keeps battering me with new trials within my infertility.

Or…I can say “Screw You Satan! You can’t have me!” I can take this suffering, this awful thing that has happened to me, and USE IT. See it as a great opportunity instead of a great burden. As I said, Satan expects us to react a certain way to suffering. Find out what that is (usually what our feelings are telling us to do), and call on God’s strength through prayer to help you do the exact opposite. Allow yourself to feel everything that comes with suffering, but resolve immediately to grow closer to God through it, not farther away. You may think I’m crazy to say all my miscarriages can be used for good, but that’s exactly what the Bible says. And that’s exactly how we defeat Satan. By turning every bad thing that happens to us completely on it’s head into something beautiful and glorious and good.

“Another miscarriage? Screw you Satan, I’m gonna tell everyone I come in contact with how much I love God and how He’s comforted me and brought peace to a situation you intended for chaos and anger.” “Another tough diagnosis or procedure? Screw You Satan, I will take up my cross daily, rely on God’s strength to persevere, and carry on until He sends me on a different path.” “You’ve taken away my ability to have kids? Screw you Satan, I’m gonna adopt every poor soul out there I can get my hands on and bring them up to know God. You won’t hinder my desire to raise up warriors for Christ even if we don’t share DNA.” “Another pregnancy announcement and baby shower invite? Screw you Satan, I’m gonna shower those babies and their precious mamas with gifts and love and joy because I want to reflect God’s selfless unconditional love to them, especially those who don’t know Him.” The way we believers react to our personal suffering is our biggest weapon against Satan, our biggest tool for evangelism.

There you have it. My coping mechanism for this entire infertility saga. It’s taken 2 years, lots of setbacks, lots of prayer, lots of reading and writing and listening to puzzle out what God wants. And what He wants, is for me to pay attention to Satan’s attacks, pray for God’s help in every situation cataclysmic or mundane, and then use whatever happens to me to glorify Him and grow His kingdom. The smaller goal of growing our family pales in comparison to the overall goal of growing His kingdom. Telling more people about God, sharing what He reveals to me about Himself with others. Most importantly, modeling what a true Christian looks like. Not perfect and not sinless, but very aware of my imperfection, my sin, my failures, truly desiring to change, and completely relying on God’s actions through the Cross and through daily training to bring about that change from the inside out.

Most importantly, where Satan says this infertility journey is hopeless, God reminds me to hope for my future because He promises good things in Romans 8:28, where He says “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.” Even if those good things don’t happen until “I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. Now there is in store for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will award to me on that day–and not only to me, but also to all who have longed for His appearing.” (2 Timothy 4:7-8). Written from his prison cell knowing he was about to be executed, Paul didn’t necessarily experience good things at this point in his life, but he trusted that his faith through adversity would be rewarded in Heaven. The only thing I can do while suffering is pray to God in all situations, rely on His perfect strength and wisdom and love by daily re-affirming my commitment to Him, use the circumstances in my life for Him, and remain firm in faith and hopeful for Heaven.

God knew. God knew when He allowed Satan to strike Job, that Job would remain faithful to Him, proclaiming God’s glory despite his friends protestations, and God restored Job twice as much as he lost for his faith. God knew when He allowed David into the lion’s den and against Goliath that David would rely on God, not his own strength, and God’s power through David would defeat his formidable foes and lead him to become King. God knew when He lead the Israelites out of Egypt, that they would encounter an endless sea, and demonstrated His majesty when He parted it for them and then washed away their enemies. From them He created a great nation that ultimately lead to a Savior for us all.

And God knew when He allowed Jesus to go to the cross and die such a horrible death that in three days Christ would arise, securing freedom for all that trust Him. As Lee Strobel puts it in The Case for Faith, “He has demonstrated how the very worst thing that has ever happened in the history of the world ended up resulting in the very best thing that has ever happened in the history of the world…The death of God himself on the cross. At the time, nobody saw how anything good could ever result from this tragedy. And yet God foresaw that the result would be the opening of heaven to human beings.” A few sentences later, Strobel writes “if the ultimate evil can result in the ultimate good–it can happen elsewhere, even in our own individual lives.”

“Then bursting forth in glorious day, up from the grave He rose again!…He stands in victory.” (In Christ Alone) “But then Jesus arose with our freedom in hand” (Death was Arrested). These are the lyrics immediately following Satan’s mistaken victory. God can bring good from your situation, as He continually does with mine, as He did with Job, and the Israelites, and David, and Jesus Christ, and countless other stories from the Bible and from our world. Look for those opportunities to say “Screw You, Satan” and highlight that goodness. Trust that He’s perfectly wise, knowing better than us the reason for our present season as a single thread in a large elaborate tapestry He’s created. Trust that He perfectly loves us, not content to leave us the sinful, self-loving, idolatrous creatures we are when we enter into relationship with Him. And for those who don’t know Him or care, trust that He’s always trying to reach you because He loves you just as much as He loves His followers. Trust that He has good things planned for you. Even if we can’t see them yet, God knows.

Dear Future Child,

You may or may not exist yet in this world, but you have already lived your entire life in God’s book. He knows when you’re born, how your life goes, and when you die. He’s not seen fit to bring us together yet, but I know and trust with all my heart that someday He will. We wonder where you’ll come from, whether from my tummy or someone else’s. We wonder what you’ll look like, whether it’s some composite of me and Michael or entirely devoid of our biological influence. However, we don’t get caught up in the details of how you’ll come to us anymore. We’re simply thankful that someday you will.

Your daddy and I have struggled to have children for the past 4 years, but I think instead of debilitating us, this time of suffering has grown us more into the kind of parents you need. We communicate better, work as a team towards our future, and challenge each other to be the best versions of ourselves possible. Marriage uncovers the worst parts of a person, and daddy and I are committed to pushing each other closer to God because we feel the more we understand and love our Heavenly Father, the better equipped we are to love each other and you.

First, I want you to know that we love you without even knowing you yet. For love doesn’t depend on a feeling, but endures with a choice. To love is to choose to treat people as Jesus does, with joy, patience, kindness, forgiveness, discipline, humility, and endurance. 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 says “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.” We pray God gives us the wisdom and power to love you this way and teach you to love others this way.

We can’t promise you we’ll be perfect. The world tells you to strive for perfection, but perfection is impossible. We humans can’t achieve it. We can’t be the perfect parents. We don’t expect you to be the perfect child. We will fail constantly, we will let you down. You will fail constantly, you will let us down. We won’t be able to satisfy your every need, and you won’t be able to satisfy our needs no matter how long we’ve wished for you. What we can promise, as your parents, is to constantly seek the Lord’s wisdom, pray for you daily, and attempt to parent you the way God parents us.

This world is full of influences, some good, some bad, some we can protect you from, but most we can’t. As much as we wish to shield you from things we think you don’t need, we understand God has complete control and allows things into your life to grow you. We want you to learn to go forth confidently into the world, to desire to make an impact. We pray God gives us discernment in what and who to expose you to and peace knowing He has you safely in the palms of His hands.

That will be the hardest thing for us; to let Him have you to do what He wishes with. You are completely His child, entrusted to us for a pre-destined time. Infertility has trained us to see you that way, not as ours, but His. Whether biological or adopted, He’ll have given you to us, and when He does, our responsibility will be to “train you up in the way you should go,” (Proverbs 22:6), setting a firm foundation to carry you throughout life. The weight of this burden causes anxiety to rise up, but we’ve learned to turn our thoughts to God whenever we feel anxious, knowing He will equip us for whatever He calls us to.

We live in a fallen world, having inherited the sin of the first man and woman. Therefore, suffering and failure are parts of life. We say this not to dishearten you, but to evict from you the notion that life should always be happy. Don’t feel anxious when things don’t go your way. Sometimes it’s a slog to get through the day and you’ll want to give up. Dear child remember James 1:12, “Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love Him,” and Ephesians 6:11, “Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes,” and having put on this armor, “Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything,” (James 1:4). Suffering builds character and makes you useful to God more than success. We hope to shield you from suffering, but should it find you we promise to encourage you through it with God’s help.

Our dearest wish is for you to know and experience God. We understand this can only be accomplished by God himself, getting into your heart and bending it towards Him. We can expose you to the church, the Bible, other Christian friends and family members, do everything “right,” and still you may rebel. We understand only God can reach your heart and save you and we pray fervently you find Him early in life. We know He’s already planned your entire life, including when you’ll turn it over to Him, and we praise Him already for that day.

Our goal is simply to nurture your faith and hopefully provide a good example for you with our own lives. Daughter, I hope to model a Godly, wise, confident Proverbs 31:10-31 woman for you, one who loves the Lord completely and isn’t swayed by her circumstances. Son, Daddy hopes to show you what a strong, confident, patient, kind, loving man looks like. By serving each other, we hope to instill in you a servant’s heart, knowing serving others as Jesus did is the highest form of worship. Giving brings more joy than anything we ever receive, apart from salvation.

We want to model a faithful marriage for you so you don’t fear the greatest earthly relationship one can have. Daughter, daddy hopes to show you the kind of man you should seek for marriage someday, a leader confident in his abilities who protects and loves you, but also counts you as equal and helps you achieve your goals. Son, I hope you can find a driven, wise woman who respects you, nurtures your ambitions, refrains from nagging or tearing you down, but always pushes you to be the best man you can be. Most importantly, we want to show you that it can be done. That a marriage can endure, that a person can follow Christ until the end of his or her days when he or she can confidently say like 2 Timothy 4:7, “I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith,” confident, when standing before God, of hearing the words “Well done good and faithful servant.” It CAN be done, despite what the world says. We’ll show you.

We’re so excited to meet you, whenever that happens, and teach you about this beautiful, creative, chaotic, delicious world! We hope to teach you all about sports and art and music. Daddy will show you how to take apart and rebuild a car, create things with tools and wood, and teach you to ride a bike (with mommy close at hand with band-aids and hugs). You’ll learn how to cook and bake things from scratch, read and write epic sagas, and enjoy the outdoors. Aunt Emily’s already planning to teach you all about the world of Harry Potter. Trust me, it’s extremely important.

We’ll also train you to respect your space and possessions by cleaning up, doing your own laundry, and saving money to buy things you want rather than relying on us. Even before knowing you, our goal for you is complete independence from us. We want you to be self-sufficient, confident, goal-oriented, self-disciplined and wise. We’ll always be your safety net when you need help, but don’t think we’ll let you take advantage of us. There will be many seasons to our relationship with you and hopefully we can all transition smoothly from one to the next as we grow older together.

Lastly, we praise our Heavenly Father for all He’s given us up to this point. Even when we didn’t understand what He was doing, God always provided exactly what we needed and it’s only on the other side we realized how wonderfully He carried us through. We praise Him for the good things and the bad, for people who are easy to love and those who take work, for times of happiness and peace and times of chaos and suffering. We thank Him for the people He’s surrounded us with who’ve provided loving support through our season of infertility and can’t wait to share you with them when you find your way to our arms.

We ask God to give us patience for your arrival, wisdom in our decision-making, and endurance for the journey ahead. He’s always provided these things in the past, so I have no doubt He’ll continue as He’s promised. When the season of infertility ends and the season of parenting begins, we pray He guides us steadfastly throughout your life and the lives of your brothers and/or sisters (trust us you won’t be an only child). Until then, however, we continue to pray for you, grow ourselves for you, and build a loving environment to bring you home to. Praise God for YOU!

Our deepest love,

Rachel and Michael, Your Future Parents

Dear Non-Believer,

Some of you I know personally, people in my close circle. Others I’ve never met, but I know you exist. Some of you have questions about whether God exists, why you should believe in Him. Others want nothing to do with Him and avoid all reminders and mentions of Him. Others simply can’t comprehend believing in something we can’t see or feel. And others have been wounded so deeply as to have given up on Him altogether. No matter the reason, you’re saying No to Him. You’d rather do things on your own, thank you very much.

I get it. I used to be you. I grew up going to church, and am today thankful that my parents exposed me to God, but I just thought it was something to check off my weekly to-do list. I didn’t think God was that important. I didn’t pray, I didn’t worship, I didn’t have faith, my life didn’t reflect His influence in any way. Think about today’s American teenager and I was her. Heavily influenced by friends and the desire to be “cool”, I did stuff I shouldn’t have. And you know what? My life was pretty good. I succeeded in academics, succeeded in athletics, and generally had no problems. I didn’t feel the need to change. I felt in control. Why mess with a good thing?

Such was 19 years of my life until 2004, when God used a failed relationship with an atheist to bring me to Him. I had no idea or intention of turning my life over to God on December 5, 2004, but when my boyfriend dumped me, God looked at me and said “It’s time.” He saw an opening and moved right in. It was right around Christmas that my relationship ended and in my despair God lead me to a small church near Tulane’s campus where a lack-luster rendition of “O Come O Come Emmanuel” pierced my heart so profoundly, I spent the rest of the service weeping alone in the last pew. I think for the first time in my entire life, my soul silently said “God help me.” Little did I know the work God had in store for my life.

Since that day, it’s not been a perfect paved road of trust, righteousness, and purity. I’ve slipped back into old habits, given up on God and returned, questioned, doubted, hoped, despaired, rejoiced, suffered, succeeded, and failed. I’ve turned away from God many many times, wanting things to work out the way I think is best for me. At times, I’ve thought “what’s the point?” Can’t I just live a good life and be nice to people and do things that make me happy?  I thought that too and it wasn’t a Christian leader, or my Christian parents, or my Christian friends, or a Christian song or book that changed my mind. God used an atheist to turn my thoughts towards Him. God will use anything to reach a soul.

It started when God said “It’s time,” and I said “OK.” I had no idea what I had agreed to. Becoming a follower of Christ isn’t a switch that you flip and then suddenly you live a life full of happiness and success. That’s what most new Christians believe, that following God means life will be perfect from now on. I think God allows that experience at the beginning of our journey so we get a glimpse of what Heaven will be like for those who believe. But what I really agreed to when I chose to follow Christ was a life of refinement. God’s intention for our lives is to break us of all things not of Him and re-build us into the perfect human creation He intended when He made Adam and Eve before the Fall. It’s a lifelong process. It’s hard. I think that’s why a lot of people choose not to believe; they don’t want to give up things they think they like, not knowing the freedom that comes when we’re no longer slaves to our vices.

The most important change I’ve experienced as a believer is the new perspective I have because of God’s influence. Not that I need to be happy, entertained, and successful all the time to have the good life, but that all my experiences, joy and suffering, success and failure, exciting and mundane, relationships with believers and non-believers, all things I go through are to transform me into the person God needs for a very specific part of His plan for our world. I am infertile. I will probably never carry a baby. What has caused much pain and suffering in my life has grown me into a much different person than I was before. God’s making me useful for something He has planned. For that reason, I rejoice and am thankful for my suffering, knowing it’s part of God’s plan to make me my best self.

This is what I desire for you, non-believer. I want you to have a happy successful life, but more importantly I want you to become your best self, to become the person God had in mind before you were even conceived by your parents, even if that requires suffering and discipline like it does for me. All my interactions with you will be working towards this goal. I’ve experienced God’s work in my life and I desperately want that for you. I don’t want to preach, or force, or pressure, or order God into you. Our natural instinct towards subjugation is rebellion. It’s not me who changes hearts anyway, it’s God. I must defer to His power to reach you no matter how far you’ve run from Him and trust He knows what He’s doing. All I can do is pray and try to set an example of God’s love with my life.

This letter to you is not a lesson in apologetics, where I lay out all the evidence we’ve found pointing towards an all powerful, supernatural God. I don’t know enough about that stuff yet to effectively write about it. This isn’t a sermon preaching about Heaven and hell, trying to guilt trip you into believing. I’m not even asking you to turn your life over to God, though if you want to right now He’s ready and waiting for you to open that door for Him like I did in 2004. This letter is simply an acknowledgement that I can understand where you’re coming from. I’ve been where you are with the same questions, doubts, intellectual arguments, suffering, avoidance tactics, and misunderstandings, often turned off by the actions and words of Christians themselves. You have every right to choose not to believe in God. Ironically, it’s God Himself who gave you that right.

All I wanted to do with this letter is to let you know how much I love you, how often I pray for you. You are foremost on my list of prayers because I can’t imagine a Heaven without you. I desire for all people everywhere to know the one true God and I believe only He can restore peace where chaos abounds. One person at a time, I’ll try to love those I come in contact with, pointing them towards Him with my words, actions, and prayers.

God loves you, even if you don’t love Him. He wants you as part of His family, but will remain silent in your life if that’s what you want. However, know that He is always looking for an open door, for a sliver of light, for any sign you might be ready for Him. I take comfort in the fact that He can use any situation, thing and person, religious or secular, to bend a heart towards Him at any point in time. I don’t have to do it all by myself and I don’t have to see the fruits of my labor. He inspires my efforts and partners with His own unseen, vastly more effective work.

Dear Non-Believer, I hope and pray you believe one day. Whenever that day comes, whatever the circumstance, when God says “It’s Time,” I hope you have the recognition, courage, and wisdom to say “OK.”

With Love,

Rachel

Ephesians 4:22-24, 2 Corinthians 5:17, Jeremiah 29:11, Proverbs 3:5-7

I stand on the brink
The sure, firm footing of my foundation
supporting anxiety, excitement, doubt, desire

Plump plentiful fruit below
tempts me to abandon safety
a siren’s call to jump

The enemy fiercely prowls
ready to capture the unsuspecting
his sure promise of death

Gentle rain soaks my bones
as I hover unsure, at war
paralyzed by fear, by comfort, by control

A formidable choice
cling to the satisfactory known
or pursue the divine unknown?

Invisible to the naked eye
stalwart, resolute, impenetrable
bars the enemy, though he rages

Curiosity wins
I leap and soar and land
And brace for the onslaught that never comes

The enemy sequestered
I praise the concealed blockade
trust it’s steadfast security

Ripe, glorious life giving fruit
nourishing body, mind, soul
beyond all expectation

Meanwhile, the enemy bores
his triumph not from catching my fall
but from my inability to leap.

I hear birds chirping and rain falling outside my house this morning as I welcome in a new year. Bubbles (our cat) greets me with her usual morning fervor, rubbing sinuously against my leg and telling me all about her evening’s activities. Suddenly, the chirping birds catch her notice and she hunkers down by our glass door to observe a cardinal perched on a tree branch. The cardinal sways on the branch, deciding whether to fly down and feast on the birdseed I’ve graciously provided, or the remain safely ensconced on his branch. Bubbles snarls and spits, eyes locked on her target, but the glass door blocks her way. Eventually the cardinal decides to chance it, and he finds a banquet awaiting him in the grass. Bubbles watches him gorge and then, bored by her thwarted attempts to capture her prize, leaves her post to snuggle with me on the couch. Soon more birds join their ruby brother, as if he paved the way for other brave souls to experience the bounty. This is how my new year started, and it’s the perfect example of my resolution.

Over the last couple of years, as our IVF attempts failed over and over again, I’ve started to notice a pattern in my behaviors. I’ve only become aware of it recently and it’s a nasty habit that I’m committed to resolving because I know it’s from the enemy. Failing to conceive and carry a child has left me paralyzed, seeking the comfort and safety of what I know I’m good at, not wanting to risk more heartache and disappointment if I try something new and fail. Our IVF history has been a series of trying something new and failing, so I’ve gotten in the habit of not even attempting things out of fear of failure.

I see things that interest me, becoming an author, going to culinary school, making a new quilt, running a half marathon, trying a different fertility doctor, adoption, and I become excited about them and start researching how to accomplish them, but then the spark sputters, and doubts creep in telling me I won’t be good at it, it’s not worth the time and effort, it’ll only lead to more failure. Like in the poem, I see the opportunities before me, but the enemy prowls my head filling it with doubts and arresting me with inactivity. The enemy tells me to stay where I am because it’s safe and comfortable, to never risk anything big because I’ll probably fail.

NO. MORE. I don’t want to let fear dictate my actions. I don’t want to remain safe when a bountiful feast of opportunity awaits. I’m so focused on the enemy that I can’t see the invisible hand of God protecting me from the enemy’s clutches. 1 Peter 5:8 ominously warns “…Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.” But 2 Thessalonians 3:3 soothes our fears as it reminds “But the Lord is faithful. He will establish you and guard you against the evil one.” We should confidently go forth trying, doing, and living, knowing God is and always will be stronger than the enemy. “The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness can never extinguish it.” (John 1:5, NLT) He has already won the war. We are the ones who keep letting the enemy back into battle.

I want to feel the unwavering strength and security of my Heavenly Father holding back the enemy’s advances toward me as I confidently pursue my goals. Proverbs 16:9 says “In their hearts humans plan their course, but the Lord establishes their steps.” I want to try things even if I fail, knowing the Lord is directing my stumbling steps towards His glorious plan. Jeremiah 29:11 promises “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” I want to trust that everything I attempt, success or failure, is bringing about His glorious plan for hope and a good future for me.

My resolution this year is to creatively do. It’s not really measurable, more abstract and objective. However it encompasses my entire life and colors all my decisions. I want to write without fear of judgement. I want to cook without fear of culinary disaster. I want to quilt without fear of wasted time. I want to run without fear of losing. I want to pursue all methods of creating a family without fear of miscarriage, rejection, and parenting children who don’t share our DNA, knowing my brothers and sisters in Christ are just as much my family, adopted by God, as my blood relatives. I want to create the life I want without fear of the result, good or bad. Only God knows the results before I try, but I’ll never know what beautiful life He has in store if I spend my whole life sitting comfortably on the branch.

Psalm 121:7, 2 Timothy 1:7, John 10:10, Matthew 14:29-31, 2 Corinthians 5:17

It started with a pink mat and a video from Target, because most of my new endeavors start with something from Target. I did that video over and over again to get used to the different movements and my pink mat dulled and frayed from the efforts of my hands and feet. My first class happened in Albuquerque, my cousin convincing me to go with her because her friend was teaching it. A sporadic mixture of videos, books, classes and self-made-up flows later, I find myself leaving a 90 minute hot yoga class that several years ago I would’ve scoffed at. “Only crazy people willingly choose to sweat profusely while contorting their bodies into God know’s what positions, surrounded by at least 20 other people, all smelly, all at different levels, also sweating profusely.” I am now one of those yogis…

People avoid yoga because they don’t think it’ll challenge them. They think it’s too slow, too easy, too boring, too girly. Others avoid it because they don’t think they’re flexible enough. Our culture craves excitement and adrenaline, and yoga offers neither. Yoga is purposely slow and methodical, asking you to move gradually and fluidly from one pose to the next at the direction of the teacher. Don’t move ahead, stick to the practice. That’s why I think we all need it so much. Being still, especially when we’re uncomfortable, is the most difficult thing we can face and that’s exactly what yoga teaches; how to remain still, silent, resolute, and most importantly calm while maintaining sometimes easy, but often challenging situations.

The thing I love most about yoga is how it exposes my greatest weaknesses, physically, mentally, and spiritually. Physically, it’s shown me how tight my hips, hamstrings, calves, shoulders and wrists are. I feel the weakness in my back when I’m in Locust pose, and the fatigue in arms and shoulders when attempting Dolphin or Crow. I feel my strength and endurance waning when I transition through standing poses without a break. Mentally, it’s shown me just how distracted I can get when comparing my level of practice to those around me. I’ve learned how much my mental state affects my physical performance and how negative I can be about myself and my situation. It’s highlighted my fears. Spiritually, God has revealed how much I put my faith in how I look, how other people view me, how much worry and doubt affect my trust in Him. For me, it’s harder than any other form of exercise because it exposes the things I hate most about myself and challenges me to address them head on.

For anyone who’s ever taken a yoga class, you know that the teacher is always asking us to return to our breath. Each class starts with us focusing on our breathing, deep inhale, deep slow exhale. The instructor reminds us periodically throughout the class, especially when he or she perceives us in a particularly arduous position, to return to the breath. Inhale, exhale. He or she takes us through the practice chosen for that day, leading us through a series of situations meant to challenge, change, strengthen, stretch, sometimes rest, but mostly grow. We’re not to move ahead, though we can stop and rest in Child’s pose at any time; we’re to follow the commands of the teacher and return to the breath whenever we feel challenged. Inhale, exhale, and stick with it until teacher tells us to move on.

Oftentimes, the instructor asks me to hold a pose longer than my physical body thinks it’s capable of. Quads burn, sweat drips, limbs shake, breathing shallows, and all I want to do is move on to the next posture…doesn’t matter what it is, I just want to move because staying still in such a difficult position hurts too much. My brain asks when will it end. I find myself praying constantly during yoga. “Please God help me hold this position. Please don’t let me break my neck attempting this. Please God tell the teacher to move on.” Yet the teacher remains silent, asking us to remain still and calm in the challenging pose, saying only one thing, “Breathe, inhale, exhale.”

We humans seek comfort whenever possible. It’s completely understandable since we were made for a gloriously perfect Heaven, yet we live here on Earth where difficult awful things happen. No one’s immune to hardships, Christian or not. I often think challenges hit Christians hardest because we know God exists and could change our situation in the blink of an eye. He could move us on to the next pose, but He chooses not to, allowing us to remain in painful circumstances. He’s silent while we burn and sweat and shake and gasp for the sweet relief of a more joyful, restful season. Sometimes He reminds us to return to the breath, inhale and exhale, but be still until He decides it’s time to move on. No matter how much we fight, physically and mentally, He wishes for us to stay exactly where He has us. We can choose to take a break and go our own way, but we then delay the end of the practice, which He intends to take us to eventually.

What we don’t realize is while we’re so focused on how we feel about the situation, our God is silently watching us change, grow, strengthen, stretch, and persevere. He planned this entire journey around that very goal. He won’t let us move on until He’s accomplished the purpose He intended with that specific situation. Warrior one for strength, stamina, and heart opening, Dolphin for courage and upper body strength, Tree for balance and peace, Child’s pose for rest, Twists for spinal health and detoxification; there’s a reason for every pose and each practice is specifically created to accomplish a purpose only the teacher knows. Sometimes He expects us to remain in a situation beyond what we think we can handle, but if we return to the breath, it’ll give us what we need to endure.

The first thing God did for mankind when He created us was breathe life into us. After God brought order to the Heavens and Earth, Genesis 2:7 says “Then the Lord God formed a man from the dust of the ground and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life, and the man became a living being.” He gave us what we needed for life. He continues to give us what we need for life, especially when we call on Him in challenging circumstances. Instead of asking for Him to remove me from the difficulty, I’ve learned to ask for the experience of His supernatural strength, peace, endurance, contentment, and joy while I remain within the pose of infertility. Nothing’s changed about the situation, but I have. God breathed His own characteristics into me which have allowed me to live within the storm. Sometimes I rage and cry out in anguish, but I always return to Him. Inhale God, Exhale myself.

Our only task is to listen, trust, follow the teacher’s commands, do our best, not give up, work on remaining mentally calm no matter how difficult things get, and return to the breath when we start to feel our physical, mental, and spiritual beings spiraling out of control. The breath takes our mind off the circumstances, the breath simplifies what we’re being asked to do, the breath gives us what we need to complete the journey. God is the breath. Inhale and accept oxygen, fresh clean fuel; exhale and release carbon dioxide, useless waste. Inhale strength, exhale tension, inhale peace, exhale doubt, inhale joy, exhale worry, inhale acceptance, exhale judgement. Inhale God, exhale Satan. Only the teacher knows the purpose of the practice; we just have to show up. Remain calm within the storm, knowing the teacher has everything under control.

A couple of weeks ago, I had the astonishing privilege to experience 3 shooting stars in a span of 36 hours. Naturally I googled upcoming meteor showers, but all-knowing Google couldn’t attribute the phenomenon to any such event. Even more surprising, two blazed defiantly across the hazy light-polluted Phoenix skyline, amazing us who witnessed with their ability to shine through all barriers. The other shimmered, as I flew above the clouds bound for home, through the vast midnight ocean sugared with it’s stationary sisters. Infertility has made me more perceptive.

I’m getting better at recognizing things as more significant than what they appear at first glance. That’s how God designed our world…not just skin deep, but complex, intricate, precise. We can never understand everything because we are not God, but He does give us glimpses into who He is and what He’s doing to remind us of His love, strength, patience, and perfect peace. I find the more I’m intentional and disciplined with my Bible study and prayer, the more I’m attuned to His whispering and presence. These shooting stars whispered something deeper to my soul than simply balls of gas and particles racing through space. Infertility has made me a deeper thinker.

Early on in my infertility struggle, a good friend of mine texted me about an early blog I wrote that came from a darker time in my journey. She said she hated to see me so focused on the one thing I didn’t have (a baby), the one thing I wasn’t (a mom), and not see all the wonderful blessings I did have, all the roles my life already fulfilled. Even though she was exactly right, I don’t really recommend someone use this comment as support for an infertile woman, especially if you are NOT an infertile woman, unless said woman has found peace with her barrenness. Thankfully, I chose a long time ago to forgive any and all comments I deemed insensitive because I knew they all came from good hearts. God sees our heart, even if what we say and do isn’t perfect, so I strive to follow His example dealing with others. Infertility has made me more graceful.

Observing those shooting stars, my mind almost immediately recalled her comment. Just reminds us of the power of words and how much something we say can have far-reaching impact on someone’s life. Infertility had caused me to see my life as an empty dark sky, devoid of light or beauty, or maybe a sky clouded, hazy, chaotic, swirling, polluted by my emotions, my perception of my circumstances, my idolatry of control, completely impenetrable to anything good or bright. Impenetrable to hope. I focused only on the endless dark and couldn’t see the sprinkle of stars God had lovingly placed in my life; my husband, my family and friends, my surroundings and my potential. Infertility has made me more introspective.

Even when the sky swirls with threatening storm clouds or shatters with drenching rains, even when clouds blot out every bright light creating a seemingly endless blanket of fog, even when it seems nothing will crack the bleak outlook of never-ending monotony, the stars are still there, shining just as brightly above the clouds as on a clear night. They never change or go away no matter how hard we avoid them. They’re still there even when we can’t see them. Sometimes one scampers across the boundless heavens and we’re awe-struck at it’s boldness to bring such excitement to our world, especially when we’re not expecting it. There was no meteor shower that night. Infertility has made me wonder like a child again.

Faith is when we remind ourselves of the stars whenever clouds block them from our view. Faith is when we boldly say we have hope, even when the outlook remains dreary and unchanged, even when our own emotions tell us hope is pointless. Faith says “I believe God loves me and has a perfect plan even though my vision is clouded.” This mindset allows us to soar above the clouds and darkness, safely ensconced in the airplane of God’s arms, and find ourselves surrounded by clear twinkling reminders of His love. A new nephew in the family, answered prayers for a loved one, a good finish on the golf course, a beautiful home, health, friends, fun. Stars are too numerous to count. Infertility has reminded me of God’s myriad blessings.

And sometimes, God sends a shining blaze of glory across our lives, a triumphant success beyond what we could ever imagine that leaves us smiling, speechless and encouraged. Sometimes He even breaks through the barrier of Phoenix caliber smog and light pollution to remind us of His unmatched power. There’s no barrier He can’t break, no darkness He can’t brighten. We have only to look up from our own pain and search for His light we know is already there waiting for us to take notice. Infertility has taught me to smile and hope even in the darkest times.

John 1:5, Luke 1:79, Hebrews 11:1, John 11:10, 1 Thess 5:5, John 8:12,        1 John 1: 5-7

Yesterday I drove across the Golden Gate Bridge. It wasn’t on my agenda when I woke up at 4:30 am central time to travel west for the start of the PGA tour season in Napa, CA. Heck, I had no idea how I would get from San Francisco to Napa once I got there. I only knew I had a rental car and I’d figure it out along the way. I woke up, hit snooze once, dressed, straightened the house we are still trying to sell in Birmingham, and went to the airport. After a 40 minute layover in Atlanta and 4 1/2 hour flight to San Francisco, I picked up my rental car and hit the road.

After I punched in my destination 70 miles away, Google Maps gave me three route options to choose from. Two took me through downtown San Fran, across the San Francisco Bay Bridge. Google Maps indicated these as the shorter routes to my destination, but also showed a lot of red notched traffic along the way. The third route took me north west of the San Francisco and San Pablo bays. To avoid the chaos of California traffic, I decided to take the 20 minute longer route northwest. I still had no idea what the route entailed, but I figured it would at least be more scenic.

Every once in a while, I’d glance down at my phone to see how far I was from the next exit or turn and it wasn’t until about 20 minutes into my trip that I zoomed in and realized my route took me across the Golden Gate Bridge. I started to reflect on how at the start of my day I had only my destination in mind with a vague plan of how I would get there, but now in the midst of it, I was experiencing something I never thought I’d get to do, something beyond my expectations. I no longer thought about getting to Napa; I was focused on enjoying the experience of driving over one of the most beautiful and recognizable bridges in the world. The magnitude of the moment overwhelmed me.

One of the greatest things to come from my infertility is I find myself living more in the present, enjoying the situation I find myself in at that exact moment, and trying to recognize the importance of the most mundane experiences. I used to be a planner, trying to figure out every detail before it would happen, plotting every course, making contingencies for unexpected scenarios, and generally controlling every situation. I’d become stressed with all the possible problems that could arise and upset when things didn’t work out the way I wanted.

Infertility has taught me how to roll with the punches, laugh at the failures, and give up control in favor of contentment and peace. It’s taught me to appreciate every moment and every experience and not let a single second be wasted on fear, worry, and sadness. It’s taught me that right now is the most important point in time, not yesterday or tomorrow, and I should appreciate what’s going on today.

I think that’s exactly how God wants us to live. He doesn’t want us to live in the past, never moving forward or growing into the amazing beings He’s created us to be. And He doesn’t want us to live in the future, obsessing over what could happen, anxiously worrying about all the possibles outcomes for our situations. He wants us to live fully and completely right now, to engage and appreciate exactly where we are, and just leave the future up to Him.

This isn’t to say we don’t reflect on how far we’ve come from where we’ve been and who we used to be, or don’t work towards accomplishing our goals. I think He just wants us to appreciate all the moments we get, big and small, exciting and mundane, joyful and sorrowful. He doesn’t want us so focused on our destination that we miss key moments along the way. He doesn’t want me so focused on trying to have a baby that I don’t appreciate the journey it’s taking to get there.

God loves shattering our expectations, taking us outside our comfort zones, and putting us in situations we never thought we’d be in. Why should our infertility journey be any different? Right now I’m focused on enjoying every moment of it and leaving the future up to Him. We’ll continue traveling down our infertile highway, checking every so often for turns and exits, until suddenly we’ll look down and realize we’re about to cross the Golden Gate Bridge.

“Most humans are never fully present in the now, because unconsciously they believe that the next moment must be more important than this one. But then you miss your whole life, which is never not now. And that’s a revelation for some people: to realize that your life is only ever now.” ~Eckhart Tolle

Matthew 6:25-34, Philippians 4:11, Isaiah 43:25, 2 Corinthians 5:17

Today I turned 30. I guess that makes me an adult, but I don’t think adulthood comes at any certain age. I think people reach adulthood at different ages based on what they’ve experienced, how they make decisions and handle tough situations. Over the past couple of months I’ve come to realize I am in fact an adult. I kept telling Michael that it felt like we were still college students pretending at adulthood, trying to minimize our mistakes. Now I’ve been married 5 years, pay taxes, own a house, run a small business, get things dry cleaned and make decisions (mostly) without parental input. From where I’m sitting that qualifies me as an adult.

I also think adulthood manifests when you’re asked to make tough decisions about the life you’re trying to create. Michael and I find ourselves unexpectedly on the precipice of such a decision. We transferred 2 embryos in August and were again unsuccessful, so our fertility doctor has recommended we consider gestational surrogacy for our last 2 frozen embryos.

On Wednesday afternoon, my fertility doctor told me she does not believe I will ever be able to carry a baby to term. We’ve created 10 good quality embryos and I’ve miscarried 8 of them all before 6 weeks. I do believe God can work miracles because His power surpasses all our understanding, but I also have to think maybe He’s telling us it’s not meant to work this way for us. Maybe it’s time to try a different tactic. Maybe we aren’t even meant to have biological children at all, but that is not the decision we have to make right now. Right now, we must decide what to do with these 2 embryos we have frozen, and I think we have decided to consider gestational surrogacy.

Interestingly, both Michael and my’s initial reactions had nothing to do with our own feelings and everything to do with what a huge physical, emotional, and psychological sacrifice it would be for the woman who would offer to carry the baby. My independent nature has a really hard time asking for help. I can’t even let the guy at Publix help me get my groceries to the car. It’s mind-blowing to think about another woman carrying our child for us.

The easiest thing would be to keep the responsibility solely on me and Michael and just transfer these last 2 embryos into me, hoping for a miracle. If I could snap my fingers and have my way, I’d want to carry my own children as any woman would, but this situation we find ourselves in isn’t really about me and what I want. We must do what gives these babies their best chance at life, and in our minds that best chance is not in me, but in someone else.

We would love for a family member or friend to be our surrogate, but we aren’t planning to ask anyone. We will simply let everyone know we are looking for a surrogate and see what happens. We don’t want to pressure anyone or make anyone feel uncomfortable with our request. We believe God will bring the right woman into our lives to carry our child, family, friend, or stranger; a woman who would be the child’s foster mother for 9 months, then a part of the family for the rest of the child’s life. The only criteria is the woman must be at least 21 and have had a child before.

Most of all, we trust God with our decision. We both feel we’d be honoring the life He created in our 2 embryos by entrusting them to someone else’s body. Personally, I feel a sense of negligence transferring them into me; based on previous experience I have no reason to believe they would survive. I don’t really feel anything regarding the possibility of never carrying my own child, never experiencing pregnancy or childbirth. I’ve accepted the fact that I am infertile. It sucks, but life goes on and time passes the same even when things aren’t going the way you want them to. God loves me and gives me peace when I ask for it. He helps me fight Satan’s schemes daily when doubt and despair try to take hold.

Michael’s unwavering positivity throughout this whole saga has been my earthly rock and I am so grateful God gave him to me. He knew exactly the type of man I would need for all this and He definitely provided. Now we must use the knowledge we’ve been given and try to make the best decision we can. God values all life and these embryos deserve a chance. As their mother and father, it’s our responsibility to do what’s best for them, even though they’re the size of a pencil point right now. They still deserve life no matter what path it takes, and we hope this new cliff we stand on overlooks the life and family we’re trying to create. The only thing we have left to do is muster the courage to jump.

It’s been a few weeks, so I figure it’s time for a quick update. God has been so amazing during these times of rest between IVF events. Between each transfer or doctors appointment, we’ve always had a few months to recover physically and psychologically to gear up for the next wave. I call these IVF Half-Times. This half-time has been full of activity as we travel, try to sell our house, move to Saint Simons, and get settled into our new island life.

We had a phone conversation a few weeks ago with a doctor in Colorado, seeking a second opinion before we attempt another transfer with the embryos we have frozen. Our doctor in Alabama intimated that there was nothing more she could do in terms of testing and treatment, other than trying drugs and seeing if they work. Various events led us to seek advice from the doctor in Colorado and we are so thankful that we did.

He started by having me go through our extensive history chronologically in my own words and then went through his ideas and recommendations step-by-step, using the medical record I had sent him. He validated a lot of what our Alabama doctor had done already, including removing my fallopian tubes early on (something I had always questioned), so that made us feel very good. He was professional and focused in his delivery of information, which Michael and I both appreciated. Finally a doctor who fits my blunt no-nonsense personality.

Basically, he thinks the embryos we have frozen are just too stressed from everything we’ve had to do to them. He’s not optimistic about any of them working, no matter what we do. It’s good to have the information that we have from them, but he told us not to have any expectations for them and that it wouldn’t matter whether we put them in me or a gestational carrier. He also questioned the drug regimen our Alabama doctor used to stimulate my ovaries for the egg retrieval. Because I have polycystic ovaries (I produce A LOT of eggs each month), the quality of my eggs is decreased compared to a normal woman. He recommended a different stimulation drug regimen to increase the quality of my eggs rather than the quantity.

So what’s our plan from here? We will attempt two more transfers with our remaining 4 embryos before we switch to the new doctor’s practice in Colorado. We won’t use a gestational carrier for any of our current embryos. We aren’t convinced it would make a difference and we don’t want to put someone else through the pain and agony of a miscarriage. I’ve done it 3 times now…I can take it. I won’t put that on someone else.

Once we’ve exhausted all our embryos with our current doctor, we plan to do at least one cycle with the doctor in Colorado before we think about either using a gestational carrier or switching to adoption. We aren’t sure of the timing of it all yet, but that’s our plan. Currently, however, we are completely focused on selling our house, finishing this PGA season, and getting moved to Saint Simons Island, GA.

How are we doing emotionally? EXCELLENT!! It’s sad to feel like we’re giving up on our remaining embryos, but we aren’t really. We’re still going to do everything we can think of to give them their best chance. Our doctor in Alabama has some things to try and maybe one of them will work. However, the conversation with our Colorado doctor has completely eliminated our expectations for them. HOW FREEING!!! If we get a baby (or more) from these 4 embryos, it’s a bonus. If not, then it’s what was expected. Hopefully, the failures won’t hurt so much and the successes will be that much sweeter. Michael and I are so excited for this new plan, even though it means another year or longer of infertility treatments. Thankfully we’re still very young to be going through all this. Our marriage continues to grow stronger and each step we take brings us closer to starting a family. We can’t help but feel so thankful and encouraged at this point in our journey.

Life still goes on, even when you’re going through something hard. You don’t need to alleviate suffering in order to live. Life isn’t meant to be easy and happy all the time. People who are constantly searching for the next thing to make them happy never learn to stick with what they’ve got and make it work. They never learn to deal with adversity and hardship. They never feel comfortable with being uncomfortable. When you can find a way to enjoy life in the midst of difficulty and suffering, you’ve truly succeeded.

Sometimes I find myself in such a state of elation, overflowing with joy and excitement, that I just need to pour it out to calm myself down. Tonight after small group, I felt happier than I have in a long time for no apparent reason, so I figured that was God’s way of telling me it was time for another blog. I haven’t written much in a while because we aren’t really doing anything for our infertility situation. We are actually getting our house in Birmingham ready to sell (on the market by Saturday…Yay!) and making the permanent transition to Saint Simons Island, GA later this summer. We’re so excited to make this move and really feel God leading us there.

With regards to our family building, our doctor in Birmingham has basically said there is nothing more she can test me for. Now it’s just experimenting with drugs and seeing if any of them work (cue requisite eye-narrowing…). Obviously “experimenting” with our children doesn’t sit well with Type-A me, so we’re seeking a second opinion from a doctor out in Colorado before we attempt another transfer. We have a phone consult with him on July 8 and hope he can either recommend more testing or cutting-edge drug regimens, or tell us that indeed there is nothing more to do. Once we talk with him, we plan to attempt one more transfer sometime this fall. If it doesn’t work, we’ll seriously consider using a surrogate to carry our remaining embryos. We want to do what’s best for them, even if it’s not in me.

It’s hard to make decisions so far in advance since we don’t know what our emotions and circumstances will entail, but God has proven time and time again that He’s guiding us and giving us everything we need to make good decisions. All we can do is continue to trust His plan for all this. He’s brought us to the point where infertility no longer feels like a burden; it’s just something on the agenda, like selling the house and moving, traveling the world, going to the gym, etc. I’m so thankful He’s taken away the hinderance of infertility so we can just live joyfully. We are also starting to look into the adoption process and discussing domestic vs international, closed vs open, ethnicity, etc. The more we talk about adoption the more excited I get. I truly believe we would be wonderful adoptive parents and if God calls us to that I know He will equip us for anything He brings our way.

Mostly it feels like Michael and I are finally getting out of God’s way. He no longer has to trudge through our quicksand of desires, impatience, self-righteousness, negative attitudes, and ideas for how we think things should be. We know God is all powerful and could force us into His plan with less effort than it takes to lift a feather, but He wants us to choose Him of our own free will. He wants children who love Him, not ones who come grudgingly and rebel at first chance. Moving to Saint Simons for Michael’s golf and entertaining ideas of surrogacy and adoption feels like we’re no longer fighting God. We’re opening our minds to all options, choosing His plan and giving up our own. Our deepest desires are for me and Michael to use our God-given talents to spread God’s message of love and forgiveness and to have a family. How those goals are accomplished is completely up to God.

2 Corinthians 4: 16-17, Psalm 37: 23-24, Proverbs 3: 5-6, Psalm 55:22