From the time I turned to God in college until my most recent miscarriage in September, I believed that all I had to do to be a “good” Christian was go to church on Sunday, read the Bible and other Christian books, pray, and do good things and God would bless my life. I constantly struggled to meet these expectations and went through the cycle of disciplined time with God and church attendance, a falling off, feelings of discouragement and shame at my weakness, and finally a renewed determination to do better. I felt like my persistence would eventually “pay off” and God would give us a baby.

Nothing has ever tested my faith in God more than our struggle to start a family. I’ve questioned whether He really existed. I’ve questioned whether He cared. I’ve questioned His power, His love, His goodness, His kindness, His integrity. I’ve also questioned my own life. What did I do to deserve this? (followed by a detailed recounting of every bad thing I’ve done trying to find an answer). Why is my body such a failure? And I’ve questioned my faith. What’s the point in believing in God when He won’t give me what I want and does this terrible thing to me? I started a new cycle of praising Him when good things happened (lots of embryos, diagnoses with cures, quick recovery from procedures) and bashing Him and turning away when bad things happened (unusable fallopian tubes, miscarriages). And this all happened smack dab in the middle of trying to keep the wives’s/significant other’s bible study out on the PGA Tour thriving; not the best timing God…or was it?

I’d been reading a book by Lois Flowers called “Infertility: Finding God’s Peace in the Journey,” but I hadn’t finished it. After I miscarried our second transfer, I was so angry with God, but for some reason the idea to finish the book popped into my head (thanks God!). On literally the last page before the appendices, Lois quotes Oswald Chambers from his devotional “My Utmost for His Highest”. He writes:

   “Our natural inclination is to be so precise–trying always to forecast accurately what will happen next–that we look upon uncertainty as a bad thing…The nature of the spiritual life is that we are certain in our uncertainty…Certainty is the mark of the commonsense life–gracious uncertainty is the mark of the spiritual life. To be certain of God means that we are uncertain in all our ways, not knowing what tomorrow may bring. This is generally expressed with a sigh of sadness, but it should be an expression of breathless expectation. We are uncertain of the next step, but we are certain of God. As soon as we abandon ourselves to God and do the task He has placed closest to us, He begins to fill our lives with surprises.”

Mind.Blown. To be certain means to be free from doubt, established as true and unquestionable. Our entire lives are a series of decisions and actions to create certain results so we can feel in control. But the infertility journey, and all struggles in general, are full of uncertainty and feeling out of control. I had always read about being certain of God and having no doubts about His love, goodness, kindness, and power, but it’s a long way from head knowledge to heart knowledge. How could I actually FEEL this certainty in my heart?

Instead of fighting against God with my anger and despair and shame about having to continue our infertility journey, He was asking me to embrace the uncertainty of it and accept it as the task He was asking me to do. It’s as if He was saying “I have called you to this. Don’t ask questions or try to figure out my purpose. Just do it.”

We never know how strong our faith is until it gets tested. I realized everything I had ever thought about God was wrong. I realized I was no closer to God after 10 years of pursuing Him, than I was when I was still doing it on my own. I told God I wanted to REALLY FEEL trust and faith and joy in the midst of struggle, not just continue to put on a brave face and spout things I had read.

How can we be certain of God when things in our lives seem so uncertain? How can we trust in God’s goodness and kindness and love when everything seems to be going wrong for us? The answers start with the definition of faith. Faith is defined as belief, confidence, or trust in something or someone despite the absence of proof. Notice what word is absent in this definition: feeling. Faith has nothing to do with how I feel about my circumstances. It is simply a decision to believe or not believe whether there’s proof or not. To have faith in God means to trust Him unconditionally and without proof. And this decision is hardest to make when all the cards are stacked against God, i.e. when things suck.

Here’s what happened to me: God, through my infertility struggle, exposed my true beliefs about Him. I believed I could understand His love and earn His blessings by doing “good Christian” things, but then He allowed sorrow and pain into my life despite my best efforts. I questioned Him and myself, feeling helpless, broken and lost. The book of Job provided the one phrase that single-handedly changed my entire mindset about this process: “Though he slay me, yet will I trust in Him…” Job 13:15.

God asks us to come to Him off our own free will, and this fact was never more evident until the moment I read that small passage in Job. Feelings come and go, but true unconditional love is a decision and a commitment. God loves us unconditionally, which means He never leaves us no matter how far we’ve strayed. But did I love Him unconditionally? Had I shown in my life that I would never leave Him, no matter how I felt about Him or how bad my circumstances? 

I DECIDED that it doesn’t matter what Satan throws at me, what difficulties God allows into my life, what heartache the future holds. GOD WILL ALWAYS WIN. There is no longer a battle going on for my soul; God has won as He knew He would when He started this process. Once the decision to love Him unconditionally was made, I became certain of God and cared not a bit about the uncertainty of infertility. It wasn’t because God proved His love or kindness or goodness or promised that He would give us a baby. In the absence of proof, I decided I was His no matter the future.

It takes an incredibly beautiful act of faith to trust God when things are ugly.  And I believe it’s only after we acknowledge our unconditional faith in God that He begins to reveal Himself to us. I am now starting to FEEL my faith (peace, joy, patience, etc) even though we are still in the midst of our struggle, with my next transfer on April 20th. I’ll be honest, I still have attacks of anxiety and worry about our situation, but they are no longer crippling the way they used to be. Now God has given me His armor in the form of my new mantra, “Though he slay me, yet will I trust Him.” When we make the decision that God has won, no matter the circumstances, He can then begin transforming us into the men and women He wants us to be.

Now I don’t read all the Christian books and listen to Christian music and go to church and pray because I think they can help me understand God and bring me blessings. I do them because God has transformed me from the inside. He has put His likeness within me and I CRAVE those outward expressions of my faith. I feel like a dry sponge thirsting for God’s wisdom, and when I become saturated I pour out my feelings into this blog or the people I encounter daily and then thirst for more. This is what it means to be reborn. The old me has passed away and a new me is free from its constricting cocoon of the world’s and my own expectations. It no longer matters, when it comes to my faith in God, whether we have biological children, adopted children, or no children at all. I am God’s, certain of and unconditionally devoted to Him amid the uncertainty of my circumstances and “though he slay me, yet will I trust in Him.”

Whenever I go to Starbucks, the baristas, having steamed the milk to add to their otherwise unpalatable coffee, put the used metal cup in the sink and run hot water until it overflows. This is how I currently picture my heart and mind; overflowing with faith and love and ideas God has given me. Now that you know my fertility history, I have been at a loss where to go from here. Muddled thoughts plague my constantly working type-A brain, so today I asked God for wisdom and, as He promises in James 1:5 “If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.” He advised me to share what’s helped the most.

“My heart, which is so full to overflowing, has often been solaced and refreshed by music when sick and weary.” I feel you Martin Luther. Throughout this season of infertility, nothing has healed me more than the music God has brought into my life. I feel every song came exactly when my head and heart needed to hear it.  God uses all sorts of methods to reach the withered soul; for me He used music.

When I found out both my fallopian tubes were deformed and unusable, I was alone. Michael was at some tournament or other, and so as with pretty much 90% of this process, I went to the hospital for yet another test by myself. Now before you all go find my husband and berate him for his abandonment, wife before job blah blah blah, I’ll tell you that we went into this understanding he would only be involved in the things he was needed for. I was certainly capable of going to doctor’s appointments on my own, and if he came to every appointment he probably would not have played a single tournament last year. He and I are a team, working towards the same goals, each with our own contributions to the life we are trying to create. I’m not saying this arrangement works for everyone going through the infertility process (everyone must find the system that works best for them), or that there weren’t times I wished he was there to hold me while I cried. In Michael, God gave me the perfect partner for this journey. What doing it mostly on my own has taught me is that I am tough enough to handle anything this process throws at me, not because I am strong on my own, but because I know God gives me whatever strength I need (Philippians 4:13, “I can do all things through Him who gives me strength”).

So when I found out my fallopian tubes were closed and needed to be removed, meaning IVF was our only option for biological children, I cried in my doctor’s arms. And then I went out to my car and cried into the phone to Michael, and then cried into the phone to my mom. And I cried out to God how angry I was with Him for doing this to me. What little hope I had clung to that we would be able to get pregnant on our own, to have that moment when you get to look at a pregnancy test with excited anticipation and watch the second line slowly appear and then come up with some creative way to tell your husband, that hope evaporated.

Unwilling to go home, I drove aimlessly. The movie God’s Not Dead was in theaters, and it was God who sent me to see it, when I was at my most desolate. It wasn’t the content of the movie that stirred me, but the song sung by Tricia Brock called “What I Know,” that played during the credits. I’m not sure who quoted “Music is what feelings sound like,” but this song was exactly how I felt, and also exactly the answer to my questions at that moment. Praise God for His comfort!

In the verses, she sings “It’s been another day when it seems like faith eludes me. Everything’s been so confusing; fear got the best of me. Now I’m lying here worried about tomorrow cause the weight of everything I don’t know is so heavy I can’t sleep…I could throw my fist in the air demanding answers.” Like I said, exactly how I felt in that moment of despair. But then, aha, the answer: “But what I know is you my God are real, NO MATTER HOW I FEEL, you’ve never let me go. And what I know is there will never be a day you aren’t just a breath away, and through it all I’ve gotta hold to what I know…And if it doesn’t turn out like I think it should, it doesn’t change the fact you’re always good. YOUR WAYS ARE HIGHER THAN MINE…And through it all I’ve gotta hold to love that’s never failing, to hope that keeps on saying, CARRY ON…”

God was telling me all I had to do was keep going. I didn’t have to figure out why this burden had come to us. I didn’t have to try to be happy while everything burned around me. I didn’t have to do this on my own. Every test I went to, every procedure I had to have done, God promised to be right there with me the whole time. God is real, no matter what we believe or feel about Him, and He is good, no matter what hardships we must go through. I know this logic makes absolutely no sense, but the supernatural by its very nature is beyond human comprehension. We simply cannot understand things the way God understands them. He knows all of past, present and future; we only see our tiny subsection of His vast history. All we can do is cling to His promises of His goodness, His love, His mercy, His omnipotence, omnipresence, and omniscience (get out your dictionary folks!)

I could seriously write a dissertation about all the songs that have moved me throughout this journey, but because I have a blinding headache writing this post, I have listed below what I’ve dubbed my Fertility Playlist. The word fertile means “capable of producing abundance, capable of becoming a new individual,” and God has created a new person in me through this season of suffering. Music has been a huge part of that transformation and it would be a crime not to share the songs that have inspired me. I pray you find rest for your soul, and comfort for your suffering.

Matthew 11:28, John 16:33, Psalm 46: 1-2, Psalm 126:5, Job 5:11, Isaiah 41:10,           2 Corinthians 1:3-4

Fertility Playlist: I recommend the Spotify app to create this playlist if you don’t wanna download.

“What I Know” by Tricia Brock:Tturned my focus to God and gave me the strength to just keep going.

“Oceans” by Hillsong United (the extended version): Literally the entire song is perfect. This song got me through the initial fear of how difficult the IVF process would be.

“Worn” by Tenth Avenue North: A song that describes exactly how it feels to suffer, and how much I wanted to see my faith rewarded.

“Blessings” by Laura Story: A different perspective on suffering, and a reminder that this world is not our true home.

“The Sun is Rising” by Britt Nicole: Reminds me that I just have to keep going; No matter how long it takes, we will make it. God promises.

“Help Me Find It” by Sidewalk Prophets: Trying to make sense of my inability to have children, I cried out to God to show me what I was supposed to do, giving the burden to Him.

“Beautiful Things” by Gungor: We sang this at the Mother’s day church service, which I had to leave to cry in the bathroom. Only God can make beautiful things from ashes.

“Alive Again” by Matt Maher: The song that made me realize God had been screaming at me the whole time to wake up from my despair and find strength in Him. What took me so long?

“Cornerstone” by Hillsong United: Another song from church reminding me to build my hope on my salvation, and not on my desire to have a baby.

“You Never Let Go” by Matt Redman: I have nothing to fear if my hope is in God.

“It Is Well With My Soul” Christ Rice Version: Taught me to remember my future is secured in Christ, whether I’m able to conceive or not.

“Lift My Life Up” by Unspoken: After our first transfer failed, this gave me the strength to carry on.

“The Stand” Jeff Johnson version: When I abandoned myself completely to God’s plan, and not the one I thought I wanted or needed.

“God’s Not Dead” by Newsboys: Makes me feel powerful from my love for the Lord, who dwells within me. Psalm 46:5. We are strong!!!

“Live Like That” Sidewalk Prophets: How I want to live my life, no matter the outcome of our infertility journey.

“Lord I’m Ready Now” by Plumb: How I feel now, exposed and abandoned to God, ready for whatever future He has planned and joyful and content in Him alone, no matter what happens with the IVF.

Wow Wow Wow!! Thank you all so much for the positive feedback about this blog! I am so encouraged by everyone’s support and can’t wait to dive into writing! I’m excited to see the work He does through this project. Please share the website with anyone and everyone. We all need to hear about God’s love!

I promised to enlighten ya’ll about what we’ve experienced so far, so this blog post serves to bring everyone up-to-date. Again, our decisions are no better or worse than anyone else’s. These are just facts. And I plan to hold nothing back about the details of our journey.

Michael and I have fond memories of the tournament in Tampa because in March of 2012, that’s where we decided to start trying for a baby. No drama about whether we were ready, finances, life goals, etc. We just dove right in. It took 4 months before something happened and in June 2012, the double pink line told us we were pregnant! However, from the beginning I started having bleeding and cramping, and my OB at the time told me I was miscarrying. This was a couple of weeks before the British Open, which Michael was an alternate for, and my OB said since there was nothing to be down about the miscarriage, I was free to travel over to England.

I continued to have problems in England and on the flight from England to Canada for the Canadian Open, I experienced blinding, nauseating pain in my right abdomen, which continued for the duration of the 8 hour flight. We arrived in Canada and Michael took me to the nearest hospital where I was diagnosed with an ectopic pregnancy. I was admitted and had emergency surgery, where they were able to save my right fallopian tube. My first ever surgery and anesthesia experience was in Canada.

When I arrived back home, I had tests done to look at my fallopian tubes and was told that the left side was completely deformed, which I was probably born with, but my right side where the ectopic had been was open. So we decided to continue trying on our own for a while before seeking fertility help. And I never went back to that OB again.

Fast forward to January 2014, and after many months of heartbreak, we decided to seek fertility help. Tests revealed that Michael was normal (yay!), but now both my fallopian tubes were completely closed and deformed. Our only option for biological children was In-Vitro Fertilization (IVF). In order to improve the chance of IVF success, my doctor recommended removing my fallopian tubes to create a better chemical environment in my uterus for potential babies. So in April 2014, I had surgery to remove my fallopian tubes. I figured they were useless anyway.

Then in June 2014 we began the IVF process, which involves Michael providing a semen sample, and me taking hormones to develop eggs to be harvested, called an egg retrieval. For me, it meant taking pills and injecting hormones into my tummy for 2 weeks, during which the ovaries swelled up. The goal was to mature as many eggs as possible. Once the eggs reached a certain level they sedated me and use a needle with a catheter to take them out of my ovaries. From this retrieval we ended up with 18 mature eggs.

Once the eggs were harvested, they immediately fertilized 10 with Michael’s sample, freezing the remaining eggs, and waited to see how many would develop to the blastocyst stage, the stage at which they can be used for transfer. We ended up with 2 embryos from the 10 eggs. The rest did not develop. 5 days after the retrieval, in mid-July, they transferred the 2 embryos into my uterus. And then we waited.

Nine days later, exactly 2 years since my ectopic pregnancy, I found out I was pregnant. We shared the good news with everyone who had been praying for us. I still had to take hormones to maintain the pregnancy, so it was as shock when at our first ultrasound at 6 weeks, there was nothing in there. My doctor called it a chemical pregnancy and took me off the hormones to allow my body to return to normal.

We decided to fertilize the remaining 8 eggs in September 2014, and again ended up with 2 embryos, which they transferred. This time we told absolutely NO ONE what we were doing, not even our parents. 2 days after the transfer I started feeling significant nausea that progressively got worse, and at the 9 days blood test, my HCG (the pregnancy hormone) levels were enormous. It turns out both embryos decided to stick around. A few days later, I started bleeding heavily and passed a fist sized clot (sorry I know TMI, but remember, facts, and this is something that I will always remember). When I had my ultrasound at 6 weeks, I already knew it wouldn’t show anything. It seemed my body was quite capable of accepting a pregnancy, but couldn’t sustain it.

Since we were out of eggs, we decided to take time off and scheduled our next egg retrieval for January 2015. In October 2014, however, my doctor ordered a test called a Thrombosis Profile, which looks at genetic markers for clotting issues and other chromosomal abnormalities. The results showed that I was heterozygous (only one abnormal gene) for the MTHFR gene, and also heterozygous 4G/5G for PAI-1, which is a clotting factor. I know most of your eyes have probably glazed over, but essentially this means when I get pregnant, the tiny blood vessels that begin to grow in the placenta form clots, cutting off blood supply to the developing baby (the PAI-1 abnormality), and also my body is not able to process and utilize synthetic man-made forms of B vitamins (like Folic Acid, which is different from natural Folate; the MTHFR mutation).

Armed with more information, I was put on a whole host of supplements to overcome the MTHFR issue, taking a prenatal with only the natural, found-in-food forms of B vitamins, and also started taking a baby aspirin for the clotting issue (which only becomes an issue when I’m pregnant).

In February 2015, I underwent another egg retrieval. They retrieved 16 mature eggs, and after fertilizing them all this time, we ended up with 8 embryos. We had all 8 biopsied (where they take a couple of cells), and then frozen. We had the biopsied cells tested for chromosomal abnormalities and found that 4 were completely normal, 2 were inconclusive, and 2 had complex chromosomal deletions and abnormalities and were not viable.

That is where we stand at this point in time. We have 6 healthy embryos frozen and ready to become our family. So, where do we go from here? In April, we will do our next embryo transfer. They will transfer 2 into my uterus, we’ll wait 9 days to see if they take. If I become pregnant I will immediately begin twice a day heparin injections in the tummy (a blood thinner), in addition to once a day hormone injections in the butt, and all my daily supplements and pills. The injections will continue until I reach the second trimester, at which time the blood vessels of the placenta are big enough to handle any small clots that form.

I know this post sounds very un-emotional and blasé, but the rest of the blog is for sharing my spiritual journey through this whole process. It’s been an arduous season, still with no clear outcome or time frame. However I know God has been with us the entire time, crying when I cried, providing strength when my heart and mind cracked. I’ve decided that this season has become the most beautiful time of my life.

The process of starting a family has been an unexpected journey, but we look forward to the family God has in mind for us, remembering how far we’ve come to attain it. And God continues to remind us that He is the one who creates life, no matter what He uses to create it. We are thankful for our struggles, and thankful for those who support us as we continue forward. Life is so much more precious, when you see it from God’s point of view.

Romans 5:3-4, James 1: 2-4, Proverbs 16:9, Psalm 37:23

I read a quote by Jack Canfield that said “Everything you want is on the other side of fear.” Fear is defined as a distressing emotion aroused by real or imagined impending danger, pain, or evil, and I’ll add difficult decisions and change to that definition. It’s the anticipation that something unpleasant will occur. I have experienced an abundance of fear over the past 3 years, as Michael and I navigate this season of infertility.

I call it a season because I know at some point it will end, one way or another. That fact alone gives me hope that we won’t go through this roller coaster of emotions forever. The fear comes from not knowing when or how it will end. The fear comes from having absolutely no control over the outcome, no matter how perfectly I follow my doctor’s instructions. The fear comes from not knowing how people will react to my decision to blog about the whole experience.

Unless you know you have a medical condition, no person goes into a marriage thinking they will have trouble getting pregnant, and certainly no one asks for it. The drugs, the medical tests and procedures, the emotions, the weight gain, and the time it takes away from your life are not things I’d wish on my worst enemy. Every time I hear someone is trying to get pregnant, my first prayer is that they will be spared the pain of infertility.

I have considered blogging about this for a while. On the surface, it makes no sense to advertise our struggles, especially since my husband has such a high profile occupation. Every time I’ve contemplated starting, fears crept in. Do people really care? What if I write something that upsets someone? How will disclosing something that most people consider very private affect our lives? Do I really have anything worthwhile to say?

If everything I want is on the other side of fear, I must overcome and move past my fear to receive what I truly want: peace. Peace from the distress of never being able to get pregnant without IVF. Peace from the shame, anger and the despair I’ve felt at various points throughout this journey. Peace from the negative body image I’ve had due to weight gain. Peace to feel content with our situation.

So why am I deciding to write about this now? Because I have finally found peace, despite still facing a long road ahead. I no longer fear the future, but look forward to the perfect plan God has for our family. In the next post I will detail exactly what we’ve gone through so far. Everyone’s infertility story is different, and I am not saying the decisions we have made are better or worse than other people’s. It’s simply a timeline of events that have lead us to this moment.

Most importantly, I want to pay it forward. I’m a completely different person today than when this journey started 3 years ago. I am so thankful for the person God has turned me into through it, and I want to share how I’ve overcome my fear with others going through the same painful experiences. My sister-in-law was the voice that gave me the courage to finally begin posting. She said “they don’t really want advice, they just want to know there is someone going through the same thing, that what they’re feeling is OK.” Infertility can be very isolating, and I just want those ladies to know that someone else understands. 

At the end of every blog, you’ll find bible verses pertaining to that post. I hope my writing will reflect the imperfect human heart we all possess. I hope it shows my weakness, my failings, and my sinfulness. And I hope it shows God’s power, His perfection, and His love for His creation. “But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weakness, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. 2Corinthians 12:9-10

Everything we want is on the other side of fear. Let God take away your fear and give you peace.

Isaiah 41:10, Philippians 4:6-7, 2 Timothy 1:7, Psalm 34:4, 1 Peter 5:7, Joshua 1:9