Cedar N' Steel

I have no experience with actual pregnancy…only miscarriage. On Wednesday, my doctor called to let me know my pregnancy test was positive. Literally 24 hours after receiving the news, I started cramping and spotting. For someone with my history, you can imagine my anxiety over the last 48 hours with these new symptoms. For the infertility patient, the thrill of pregnancy is always tempered by the fear of miscarriage. Yes we can hope and pray and try to stay positive, but we inevitably analyze every ache and pain hoping it’s not another loss. Miscarriage is devastating, no matter the circumstances.

The cramping and spotting remain and haven’t progressed any further. The nurse I talked to said it’s just my uterus stretching to make room for the baby, and especially if it’s twins, it has to grow much bigger. So now every time I feel cramping, I silently say “Grow babies grow!” This helps me cut off the anxiety before it starts. I don’t want my babies to have hypertension before they’re even born.

Does my anxiety mean I don’t trust Him with my future? I don’t think so. I do trust HIS plan for my future, I just don’t know if His plan involves biological children. More I think it shows me I am human, in need of supernatural peace and confidence only God can provide. I can’t manifest it on my own. It shows me my need for God, and anything that does that is a good thing. I know it’s going to be a looooooong pregnancy if I freak out at every new symptom. Once we see a heartbeat (or 2), I’m hoping my paranoia goes away. The only thing I do know is God is good. He loves me and I love Him.

The thing I love about writing this blog is it helps me acknowledge my feelings and write down every experience, and then it forces me to search for God in the midst of it all. I either find something He’s already taught me, or I find something new He’s revealing. Either way I seek God and sharing it with you keeps me accountable. There is no such thing as a perfect Christian. We all fall short, which is why Jesus came; to free us from any guilt and shame we feel at not being perfect. I am simply a woman being transformed by God and every step in this infertility saga has something to offer me. I don’t want to emerge from it bitter…I want to emerge better.

I go back to the doctor next Tuesday to repeat the bloodwork and make sure my hormones are increasing appropriately and in 2 weeks we have our first ultrasound. The ultrasound is the step we’ve never gotten past. We’ve never seen anything in there. The point of the blog is to share everything, the good and the bad, so people can have a better understanding of what infertile women go through. I hope next week brings good news and in two weeks we finally see our little one or ones thriving, but I can’t predict the future. All I can do is celebrate every day I have with them in me and pray for God’s protection over them and peace and wisdom for myself. I pray God provides all of us peace through our anxiety as only He can.

1 Peter 5:7, Philippians 4: 6-7, Psalm 55:22, Proverbs 12:25, John 14:27