Cedar N' Steel

I stand on the brink
The sure, firm footing of my foundation
supporting anxiety, excitement, doubt, desire

Plump plentiful fruit below
tempts me to abandon safety
a siren’s call to jump

The enemy fiercely prowls
ready to capture the unsuspecting
his sure promise of death

Gentle rain soaks my bones
as I hover unsure, at war
paralyzed by fear, by comfort, by control

A formidable choice
cling to the satisfactory known
or pursue the divine unknown?

Invisible to the naked eye
stalwart, resolute, impenetrable
bars the enemy, though he rages

Curiosity wins
I leap and soar and land
And brace for the onslaught that never comes

The enemy sequestered
I praise the concealed blockade
trust it’s steadfast security

Ripe, glorious life giving fruit
nourishing body, mind, soul
beyond all expectation

Meanwhile, the enemy bores
his triumph not from catching my fall
but from my inability to leap.

I hear birds chirping and rain falling outside my house this morning as I welcome in a new year. Bubbles (our cat) greets me with her usual morning fervor, rubbing sinuously against my leg and telling me all about her evening’s activities. Suddenly, the chirping birds catch her notice and she hunkers down by our glass door to observe a cardinal perched on a tree branch. The cardinal sways on the branch, deciding whether to fly down and feast on the birdseed I’ve graciously provided, or the remain safely ensconced on his branch. Bubbles snarls and spits, eyes locked on her target, but the glass door blocks her way. Eventually the cardinal decides to chance it, and he finds a banquet awaiting him in the grass. Bubbles watches him gorge and then, bored by her thwarted attempts to capture her prize, leaves her post to snuggle with me on the couch. Soon more birds join their ruby brother, as if he paved the way for other brave souls to experience the bounty. This is how my new year started, and it’s the perfect example of my resolution.

Over the last couple of years, as our IVF attempts failed over and over again, I’ve started to notice a pattern in my behaviors. I’ve only become aware of it recently and it’s a nasty habit that I’m committed to resolving because I know it’s from the enemy. Failing to conceive and carry a child has left me paralyzed, seeking the comfort and safety of what I know I’m good at, not wanting to risk more heartache and disappointment if I try something new and fail. Our IVF history has been a series of trying something new and failing, so I’ve gotten in the habit of not even attempting things out of fear of failure.

I see things that interest me, becoming an author, going to culinary school, making a new quilt, running a half marathon, trying a different fertility doctor, adoption, and I become excited about them and start researching how to accomplish them, but then the spark sputters, and doubts creep in telling me I won’t be good at it, it’s not worth the time and effort, it’ll only lead to more failure. Like in the poem, I see the opportunities before me, but the enemy prowls my head filling it with doubts and arresting me with inactivity. The enemy tells me to stay where I am because it’s safe and comfortable, to never risk anything big because I’ll probably fail.

NO. MORE. I don’t want to let fear dictate my actions. I don’t want to remain safe when a bountiful feast of opportunity awaits. I’m so focused on the enemy that I can’t see the invisible hand of God protecting me from the enemy’s clutches. 1 Peter 5:8 ominously warns “…Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.” But 2 Thessalonians 3:3 soothes our fears as it reminds “But the Lord is faithful. He will establish you and guard you against the evil one.” We should confidently go forth trying, doing, and living, knowing God is and always will be stronger than the enemy. “The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness can never extinguish it.” (John 1:5, NLT) He has already won the war. We are the ones who keep letting the enemy back into battle.

I want to feel the unwavering strength and security of my Heavenly Father holding back the enemy’s advances toward me as I confidently pursue my goals. Proverbs 16:9 says “In their hearts humans plan their course, but the Lord establishes their steps.” I want to try things even if I fail, knowing the Lord is directing my stumbling steps towards His glorious plan. Jeremiah 29:11 promises “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” I want to trust that everything I attempt, success or failure, is bringing about His glorious plan for hope and a good future for me.

My resolution this year is to creatively do. It’s not really measurable, more abstract and objective. However it encompasses my entire life and colors all my decisions. I want to write without fear of judgement. I want to cook without fear of culinary disaster. I want to quilt without fear of wasted time. I want to run without fear of losing. I want to pursue all methods of creating a family without fear of miscarriage, rejection, and parenting children who don’t share our DNA, knowing my brothers and sisters in Christ are just as much my family, adopted by God, as my blood relatives. I want to create the life I want without fear of the result, good or bad. Only God knows the results before I try, but I’ll never know what beautiful life He has in store if I spend my whole life sitting comfortably on the branch.

Psalm 121:7, 2 Timothy 1:7, John 10:10, Matthew 14:29-31, 2 Corinthians 5:17