Cedar N' Steel

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
~Robert Frost “The Road Not Taken”

We find ourselves at a crossroads. We have no more embryos frozen, no eggs frozen, and have used up all our IVF cycles with our current doctor. We’re completely free of any obligations for building our family. Like the person in Frost’s poem, we stare down two roads and cannot travel both. One leads to another fertility doctor, more testing, more medical procedures, more pills, more hormone shots, more travel, more time apart. The other leads to adoption.

We’ve decided we’re finished with IVF. We’ve decided to pursue adoption. I know many of you are wondering what happened to our idea to work with a doctor we found in Denver a while back, to see if a different situation would answer our questions about why we can’t conceive. I’ve always said that our logical stopping point would be when we either had the family we wanted or when we’d exhausted all our options and felt complete in our knowledge of why it couldn’t work. Neither of those situations has happened, yet we’ve decided to stop.

Frankly, we’re exhausted, emotionally, physically, mentally, and spiritually. We’re tired of the emotional rollercoaster that comes from creating beautiful embryos, building a healthy environment for them, only to have it all end in miscarriage or no pregnancy and have to rally again for another round. We’re tired of the weight gain, the daily multiple shots in the tummy and butt, the bruising, the side-effects of hormones, the pain and discomfort of the egg retrieval, and the inactivity necessary during the whole delicate process, not to mention any long-term effects this may have on my health going forward. We’re tired of the mind games we have to play and coping mechanisms we have to find to keep ourselves free of bitterness, anger and depression. And we’re tired of the spiritual workout God’s putting us through as we constantly lean on Him for comfort, strength, joy, peace, grace, and all other spiritual fruits. We’re thankful for all He’s teaching us and know that part never really ends, but we’re exhausted and finally in a position to take a different road.

Multiple people have asked me how I feel about the fact that I’ll never carry children, never have biological children. I won’t deny that I’m not disappointed. Pregnancy is such a beautiful thing, uniquely designed for women, and it’s something I’ll never experience. The reason we tried IVF was to have a biological child, and it didn’t work. God said “No.” There’s always sadness at the loss of a dream. However, I’d say if I could break down my emotional state into a pie chart, it’d be 5% sadness, 50% relief (no more shots, no more pills, no more miscarriages), and 45% excitement, and those numbers will change over the next few months into more and more excitement as we get closer to our homestudy and application process.

In general, everyone has been 100% supportive of our choices regarding IVF thus far. However, one person very close to us said something that has stuck with me over the past 6 months. She said “I think if God intended this to work, He would’ve healed your body by now.” At the time, it upset me because we weren’t in the mindset of giving up yet. But now, I’m so thankful for her wise, honest, Godly opinion. It’s really helped us feel peace about our current decision because she’s exactly right. We’ve fixed the clotting issue, we’ve bypassed the vitamin absorption issue, we’ve tried acupuncture, Chinese herbs and other supplements, and I’ve changed my diet and activity to fit our situation. We’ve created amazing embryos and amazing environments for things to go right, and still they haven’t. We’ve not tried absolutely everything, but we’ve tried enough. If God meant for this to work, He had many opportunities to make it. I know she’s reading this, so I want her to know how thankful I am for her loving accountability.

I’ve never told anyone this, not even Michael, but to be honest I think deep down in my mind I always thought this would be the outcome. A tiny neuron deep inside always thought it wouldn’t work. That tiny neuron, completely buried under hopes and dreams and emotions, kept whispering “This will not end how you want it to.” It wasn’t that I despaired or lost faith or lacked trust or believed God didn’t love us or wanted to protect myself from failure; it was something else entirely.

I believe that tiny neuron was the unadulterated Holy Spirit asking the following questions: In this situation, what would be the more powerful testimony of faith? What will grow God’s kingdom more? Will people witnessing our struggle respond more to me getting what I want because “my faith has made me well”? Or will the fact that my faith has grown and deepened and solidified and remained firm through suffering have more impact? Will the fact that I proclaim wholeheartedly God’s love and goodness despite not getting what I want bring more people to Christ? And every time I asked myself this, the Holy Spirit whispered the latter.

It seems that’s been God’s plan all along. That’s what this journey has really been about. In God’s eyes, our IVF story was never with a baby at it’s conclusion. His plan this whole time was to grow His kingdom, grow faith and trust and wisdom, both in me and Michael, and in all those we’ve shared it with. Michael and I can unequivocally say our faith has grown and flourished in a situation that often leads couples to bitterness, despair and sometimes divorce. Our marriage has become so much stronger, so much sweeter, so much more loving and forgiving. Michael’s faith has astounded me at times. He always said the exact right thing for every situation we’ve found ourselves in, and I think my example and faith have impacted him in his own walk with the Lord. I love our marriage because we push each other to reflect God better every day. We’re best friends who through this process have learned how to lovingly and respectfully communicate and challenge each other and hold each other accountable for our actions and words. What Satan intended for destruction, God used for His glory. Screw you, Satan! 😉

So now we start a new journey. We close one book and begin afresh a new one. Before any of you share your stories of knowing someone who adopted and then got pregnant naturally, I’ll stop you right now and remind you that I have no Fallopian Tubes. We removed them because they were blocked and we wanted to create a good environment for IVF. I don’t regret this decision at all because it means we will never have any conflict of interest. There’s no possible way for me to get pregnant naturally. Now if God has another immaculate conception in mind, I’m game, but we hold out no false hope for this. We’re completely committed to and excited for the adoption path.

A couple women have also offered to be our surrogate someday in the future after they’ve completed their own families and I cannot fathom such a selfless sacrifice. It makes me feel so blessed to have such women to call friends and family and I hope they know how much their offer means to us. If God calls us to that, it won’t be for many years. Again, we aren’t holding out hope for that because it’s not something we can do right now. I imagine if God gives us our children through adoption, we won’t want to ever go back to IVF or surrogacy. I honestly hope we never have to. I know the process and what an emotional toll it can take and I would hate to put that burden on anyone else. But God’s in charge so we leave the future in His hands. Right now, we’re focusing on the immediate next steps to growing our family. There’s too many children in need of a home to sit idly by.

I don’t ask God why He decided not to give us biological children. Honestly, I don’t really care. We humans have a great desire to understand everything, but knowing why won’t change the what. Constantly asking why only delays the healing, delays closure, delays joy and contentment with the situation’s reality. I am infertile. I will never carry children. These are the truths of my life. I can either mope and cry and fight and rage at God asking why, or I can accept the truth of the situation and try to make the best of it. The inability to have children is not the end of the world. I anticipate Satan will sporadically attack me with “what if” and “why,” but I have the armor of God protecting me whenever I call on it. God fights my spiritual battles for me when I need Him, and He ALWAYS wins. It’s not even a close contest.

So I guess this blog will now be a blog about our adoption experience! I’m sure I’ll often reference back to the good ‘ole infertile days, but I’m excited to share with ya’ll everything God teaches us through the adoption process. I think it’s so perfect how it all worked out because I know lots of women who struggle with infertility can’t fathom adoption and fight hard to avoid it. I understand this attitude because I used to be one of them! Adoption was never on our radar before all this. But God has called us to it, whether we feel equipped or not. I’ll admit that I’m scared. One of my greatest idols is control, and God has certainly shown me how little control I really have. I pray He continues to work this out of me as we start this new journey and He uses me to lessen women’s fears about adoption.

I also pray we can continue to honestly and openly share our story with ya’ll. I’ve found a passion in writing and hope it’s given a new perspective into a tough situation sadly more and more women find themselves in. I trust God will carry us through this new story He’s writing and I hope the evolution of the blog continues as we pass through life’s seasons. Thank you everyone who’s supported us on this journey! We hope we can love you all just as big and well as you’ve loved us! We ask for prayers for wisdom as we make decisions about our adoption process and also that God brings the right situations to the table for our family. In turn, we pray for all of you, that you would know how God adopts us all into His family when we profess our love for Him, how He parents us with unconditional love and strict discipline, and how His relationship to us models the perfect example for all our relationships.

So begins our adoption story…Chapter 1…”In the beginning…”