Cedar N' Steel

Ya’ll I’m gonna be very honest right now and tell you exactly how I feel about our situation. I’m definitely in a period of adjustment. Everyday since we closed the IVF door and opened the adoption one, I’ve had a mini-meltdown. I read something in a book, hear someone’s story of adoption, or find something new to consider in my research and tears begin to fall. I guess I could blame it on changing hormones, but I don’t want to explain away my feelings as if they aren’t important. When I become aware of my sin, I want to face it and seek to change as God instructs. My poor strong husband has never seen this side of me and he’s gracefully learning to navigate it. I’m thankful he chose to take these three weeks off so we can have time together as a family, me and him and Bubbles, who I’ve now dubbed my emotional support cat. She just gets me.

One of the themes of my infertility journey, a sort of affirmation I created for myself, was “I refuse to let this make me bitter. I will only let it make me better.” It’s a choice I made long ago, one that’s defined the direction of my spiritual transformation. It’s the idea that no matter what happens, no matter what the future brings, I will do whatever I need to grow closer to God and not farther away, to love Him more and not less, and to love others more and not let my personal feelings get in the way of that. I refuse to let any negative feelings or lies from Satan take hold and grow roots in my heart and soul that could hinder my growth into the woman God needs for these precious souls He intends for us to parent.

Why then have I descended into what I consider relatively mild histrionics, (though Michael may say different), for the past week? Let me be clear: it’s not because I’m sad we won’t have biological children. I’m definitely over the loss of the pregnancy dream. I never want to have to do IVF again. It sucked. After every miscarriage, I wanted to give it up, but couldn’t because we still had a responsibility to the embryos we created. As much as I wanted IVF to work, I’m really glad that chapter’s over. I’m excited to be back working out, getting fit, and taking only one vitamin a day. I’ll never have to lose baby weight. I can drink wine and take baths whenever I want. It’s a pretty sweet deal if you ask me. I know I still want children, but God’s taken away the path to having biological children and I’m fine with that. I’m actually relieved that there’s no chance of me getting pregnant because we can commit 100% unencumbered to adoption.

I also have no reservations about loving a child that didn’t come from my body. Whatever children God brings to our family, they’ll need a secure, loving environment where they can grow into the people God needs for His future plans. That’s the case for any child no matter where they come from and I know Michael and I can provide that. I see Godly potential in all children. That’s why I went into pediatric physical therapy. I worked with head injury, cancer, Cystic Fibrosis, genetic disorder, Cerebral Palsy, orthopedic, and all sorts of other patients. Where others saw hardship and sadness, I saw hope and a future for even the sickest, most debilitated situations. No matter how long their lives lasted, I believe every child I worked with could impact the world in some way and I could do my small part to help them along that path. Physical therapy was the best time of their day because for an hour, they could forget their troubles and play games and be kids, all the while improving their strength and stamina to continue the fight. God taught me to love all kids in all situations through my physical therapy work. I know I’ll love whatever child He brings through adoption as much as if I carried him or her for 9 months.

Nor am I afraid of how much work, how much time, how much money, or how much patience it will take to complete the process and bring home our children. I am anxious to be a mom, but I know it will take time to make that happen. Infertility has taught me to turn to God when I feel anxious, worried, impatient, or sad about my situation. God always comforted me before, so I know He’ll continue walking beside me as we slog through the adoption process. What is my problem then?

My wise mom hit the nail on the head. I always get unsettled when I feel like I’m not in control. If I were to categorize my fear, I’d say I’m afraid of the unknown outcome. Like all humans, I like to know the book’s ending before reading the story of how it came about. Throughout our IVF journey, people kept saying they “just know it’s going to work,” or “it worked for my friend so it will work for you.” As I smiled and thanked them, all I could think was “you don’t know that. It may not.” And it didn’t. I’m grateful for the lessons God taught me through it, but it didn’t end how we wanted and I think I’m carrying some of that trepidation into our new season. Although people keep telling us what great parents we will make, how lucky those children will be to have us, how sure they are that this will work, there’s still the chance that it may not. Any number of things could prevent us from growing our family through adoption. Satan’s found a new way to attack me, so I need to strap on God’s armor and work through this.

As I tearfully clung to Michael this morning, he told me if I still felt uncomfortable in July when we started the process, we could wait a year. I agreed and then left to go to the Wednesday women’s bible study we have here on the island. I didn’t really want to go all red-eyed and puffy-faced, but I had to pay for the Beth Moore book I had picked up a few weeks ago. I decided to go just to pay and then leave, but when I got there I couldn’t see where to put my money, so I was forced to sit and watch the video until it ended so I could give my bill to the woman who runs the study. Let me tell you, when God has something to teach us, He orchestrates even the most mundane things like missing payment boxes to address our needs. And if our hearts are tuned to hear Him, we recognize His work immediately. The study video today was about being a Godly wife, and the first thing it talked about was being a woman of courage.

Proverbs 31:10-31 describes a woman of courage, a brave warrior, valiant and confident. She is no wallflower, blown over by the hurricanes of life’s uncertainty or distress. She diligently goes about her life, working hard to provide what her family needs, modeling a Godly example to her husband and children, respecting and honoring her husband and standing beside him as they grow their life together. I’m sure she has fear about the future, but it never stops her from doing what needs to be done. Most importantly, she has complete and utter trust in God’s abilities, vastly above and beyond her own. If I want to be a Godly woman, I must use Proverbs 31 as my guide. God give me courage.

Courage is not fearlessness. I think some fear is healthy because it keeps us safe and makes us stop to consider options and discern what’s right. Fear becomes unhealthy when it paralyzes us from doing what needs to be done. Courage is action in the midst of fear. Courage is doing what’s right, even when it scares us. Courage is trusting the Lord’s promise of goodness, even when we can’t see the outcome yet. Courage is going after something you want, giving it 100% of your effort, despite the fact that it may fail.

My desire for a child hasn’t wavered just because IVF failed. If anything, infertility showed me just how much I want to be a mom, how much Michael wants to be a dad. If I don’t have courage to pursue adoption because of self-created, completely irrational fear, I deny children the gift of the unique home only Michael and I can provide, I deny my husband the chance to be a father, I deny our parents and siblings the chance to be grandparents and aunts and uncles to our children, I deny us some future we can’t see yet. Our choices today have farther reaching consequences than just our immediate feelings.

Why am I telling you this? Why am I revealing to you my weakness? Our world values strength and confidence, not languor and vulnerability. I personally think the strongest, wisest, most courageous people are the ones who admit their insecurities, show vulnerability, and honestly reveal who they are deep inside. I don’t want to create the illusion that I’m perfect. I desire to model what a true Christian looks like. Broken, imperfect, constantly failing, aware of my deplorable state. I’ve written about all this before in previous posts, but now you can see just how difficult it is for head knowledge to become heart knowledge. I still don’t have it all figured out and I never will. My idol of control is not something that goes away with one prayer and one blog post. It’s something I’ll always struggle with, something God and I will have to work on every day, maybe for the rest of my life. I’m thankful God is limitless and timeless and endlessly patient and He loves me so much that He wants to work this out of me.

A true Christian isn’t someone who has it all figured out. It’s someone who realizes how much they don’t have things figured out. It’s someone who turns to God as the source of grace, strength, comfort, peace, joy, contentment, and unconditional love. Non-believers love to find faults in Christians, love to highlight our weaknesses, love to broadcast when we fail to live up to the perfect standard of God. What non-believers don’t understand is that in God’s eyes all people, from the serial killer to the Pope, are equally sinful, no matter how we choose to live our lives. God doesn’t see gradations of sin as we humans do; He abhors it all with equal unfathomable wrath. Every person falls short of God’s standard of perfection. The difference between Christians and non-Christians is that we understand this and thank God for providing the perfect One who appeals to Him on our behalf. We understand how much we fail daily to live up to God’s standard and how much we needed Jesus to do what He did for us on the cross, something we could never do on our own.

On the flip-side, where all people are equally sinful and fall short in God’s eyes, all people are also equally capable of being saved and going to Heaven. Jesus didn’t just bear some sins, He bore them all. Think of every awful thing you’ve done, every awful thing all humans in all of history have done and will do, known and unknown because God sees all, and see them on Jesus’ body as He hangs on the cross. Sin and evil entered the world through man’s disobedience and arrogant desire to “be god.” We humans aren’t capable of sacrificing enough to satisfy God’s wrath. Only God himself could provide the necessary sacrifice, in the form of His own Son, to open a way back into communion with Him for all people who desire it. If you choose to love the Lord, nothing you have ever done in your past, nothing you do now, and nothing you will do in your future can prevent Him from loving you and forgiving you and giving you all the spiritual blessings He promises if you sincerely ask for His help in your life.

This doesn’t mean once we turn to God for help, then we no longer sin. It simply means God’s already atoned for our sin, already given us the hope of Heaven when our bodies die. He uses the rest of our Earthly lives to mature us and bring more people to know Him by our example. No matter how hard we try to love God perfectly, we should expect to become distracted by the world, stray from the path and lose sight of Him at times, as I have over the past week adjusting to this new situation. But a heart that truly loves the Lord will daily re-commit itself to Him, always seeking to grow closer to the model of Jesus. God should be the first one we run to in times of trouble, not the last. I’m proud to say that once I became aware of Satan’s attacks and my sinful paralyzing fear, my first instinct was to read God’s word, pray for courage, admit my feelings to the Earthly man God put beside me to hold me accountable, and seek wisdom from above.

I will pursue adoption. I’m committed 100%. I won’t let Satan paralyze me from running this race. With IVF, when I stopped listening to everyone around me and listened to the whispers in my heart, I didn’t think it would work. When I think about adoption, I see only light and joy. Deep down, I do think it’s going to work because I think God’s been preparing us for this all along. To me, IVF was the boyfriend right before the husband, the situation that matured and prepared us for our true destiny. We will be fabulous parents to adopted children. Today my choice is courage to leap into the unknown, trusting the One who paves the way.