Cedar N' Steel

There’s been a major shift in my focus over the last week or so. Once we turned in all our adoption paperwork, there were several days of peace and excitement at the prospects of getting matched and traveling to get our baby (or babies, or children as it may turn out). Yet a few days ago, I realized what completing our adoption paperwork really meant and I’ll be honest, I had a mini-breakdown as anxiety over my inadequacy rushed in. I realized that completing all our paperwork meant there was nothing standing in the way of being matched and getting a baby. Nothing between us and becoming parents. Nothing except waiting for a mother who loves her child beyond comprehension to choose us to be the parents. I feel so hopelessly unprepared.

It seems every time we reached a milestone in the adoption process, contacting the adoption agency, meeting with our homestudy social worker, turning in our homestudy paperwork, completing our profile book, getting homestudy approved, and now sending off our final adoption paperwork before we begin presenting, I hit a roadblock where I considered not moving forward. I know it sounds crazy, but in the interest of full disclosure and vulnerability, reaching those pivotal moments in the process welled up fear, doubts, sometimes anger at the grueling journey, and uncertainty about whether we should continue. It always happened right before we were about to act, right before I mailed something or set up an appointment or made a phone call. As if some invisible forcefield blurred the outcome of my actions. My control issues, wanting to know how the story ends before reading the book, aroused a fear of failure that threatened to paralyze me more times than I care to admit.

But our IVF struggles were not in vain. The lessons learned equipped us to battle today’s supernatural attacks. Every arrow from the enemy is meant to trip us up and throw us off balance, to distract us from God’s light and power. I know God allows these sometimes, wanting us to continually choose Him, though I’m sure He spares us from more than we know. When I recognize those arrows of fear and doubt embedded in my soul, I’ve learned to immediately to run towards God through prayer, spiritual music, and scripture, knowing only He can root them out of me and restore peace and confidence. I thank my Heavenly Father for providing an outlet for my weakness through prayer and He’s imbued me with His strength to press on every time I’ve faltered. God straps His spiritual armor around us and we move on to the next step in the journey.

So how has my focus shifted over the last week, at home by myself as Michael begins the Web.com finals? Well in addition to completing my Physical Therapy continuing education (which I left to the 11th hour) and getting caught up on our financial spreadsheets and QuickBooks (wait what year is it again?), I’ve realized all my study has been on the adoption process, getting my mind right as an adoptive mother, understanding the complexities involved in the various relationships created through adoption, and preparing our hearts for the possibility of having a multi-racial family and what the world will throw at us as a result. But something huge came to the forefront a few days after the trip to the UPS store, our final adoption paperwork overnighted.

Any moment we could become parents. It could happen next week, it could happen next month, it could happen next year. It could happen on Christmas, it could happen in the middle of the Masters, it could happen while we’re traveling overseas. It could happen in the wee hours of the night or in the middle of a yoga class or while Michael and I are apart. It could happen with a mama who has months left in her pregnancy or with a baby already born. It could happen with a newborn or an infant or a toddler, or some combination thereof. It could happen in any state, at any time, in any possible way. I feel like a Dr Seuss book right now, but the point is we will soon be parents. How the heck do you do that?

When a couple finds out they’re pregnant, once the initial excitement and emotion die down, they realize that in 9 months they will be parents. In 9 months they will be completely responsible for the needs of another human being, even to the point of holding their head up. Oh and by the way, said human can’t tell them what’s wrong or what they need like “Mother, my diaper seems to have a full load. It’s very uncomfortable and I have more in there I’d like to relieve. Would you be so kind as to supply me with a new one?” The parents have to decipher the same sound the child makes for every discomfort. If those needs aren’t met, the little human dies.

Reactions to this vary. Some people wing it, which I applaud since I’d never have the courage to do that, and others buy every parenting book in the store in hopes of knowing the perfect formula for raising children. Kids seem to turn out fine from either response. I’m a book person and I love to learn, so I know if I’d ever had 9 months to prepare I would’ve been the latter. But God didn’t give me 9 months to prepare (or perhaps He has; it’s beautiful not knowing). I have no idea how much time I have, but I know we are in essence “expecting” and it’s time to start thinking like an expectant mommy and daddy.

I always hesitated to read parenting books during IVF because I didn’t want to “jinx” something that could end up in heartbreak. I focused more on books about grief, suffering, healing, and other women’s stories of IVF failures and how they moved past them. I never felt an urgency to prepare for parenthood, probably because I always thought if IVF worked then we would have 9 months to plan like everyone else. I think God needed me to learn other things like dependence, obedience, compassion, grace, and acceptance of His will during those years.

When I was in college, I studied really hard for every test. I procrastinated until the last few days and always pulled a couple all nighters so I felt prepared going into it. After months of hearing and reading the material, the urgency of finally having to apply it caught up and propelled me into fervent action. The method never failed me and it seems that’s what I’ve done with parenting. I’ve “studied” how my friends and family parent, gotten some hands on experience, asked questions and gathered information, but never had to put it into practice, never had to apply it and show mastery. My college tactics are rearing their ugly heads, making me feel unprepared and inadequate.

There are thousands of resources out there for childcare and parenting techniques. How does one wrap their head around all the possibilities and choose the methods that work for them? I’m thankful we have great examples of amazing parents all around us, all who’ve given great advice we will use, but I want to go directly to the source of it all, right to the basic foundation. There’s One from which all wisdom and perfect knowledge flow. One who provides the perfect standards and principles. One who created family and sustains family. You all know where this is headed.

We want to know what God has to say. We want Him to teach us and guide us as we begin this new season of parenthood, whenever that may happen. We know He’s put lots of mentors and peers in our lives to help support and advise us, but we always want to follow His guidance, even if it differs from other people.

God parents we His children; He is the gold standard. He loves and nurtures and blesses. He challenges and disciplines and comforts. He sacrifices. He provides. He makes us work, allows us to lose, and grows our character through suffering. He delights in our joys and cries our tears right alongside us. At the end of the day, His love never fails no matter how often we do, and He always provides for our needs even if they differ from our wants. We can never be perfect like Him, but only with His spirit within us can we translate His method to how we parent the children He entrusts to our care.

At church, I always like to go over to the bookstore and see if there’s anything that catches my eye. Cause I’m a nerd like that. I wasn’t looking for anything specific (this was still during the excitement period right after mailing in our adoption paperwork. No anxiety yet). The first thing I saw on the shelf was Gary Thomas’ Sacred Parenting. I read Sacred Marriage right before Michael and I were married and loved it. Seeing that book must’ve triggered something because later in the day, anxiety set in. It took a few days of wrestling on my own, I’m still sinful after all, before I turned to God for help. He reminded me of the book and I immediately procured it along with two other books recommended to me by friends in the past. With nothing else on my literary docket, I decided to do what I do best and start multiple books at one time. Nerd, remember?

Along with Sacred Parenting, I’m also reading Ted Tripp’s Shepherding a Child’s Heart and Moms on Call (basic baby and infant care books). I’m reading a chapter at a time and loving how they all address different needs but seamlessly work together. Sacred Parenting discusses how the complex task of parenting grows us parents closer to God and makes us more like Jesus. Shepherding a Child’s Heart talks about making the Gospel central to our parenting style and focusing on the child’s heart and soul. Moms on Call will be my constant companion going forward as I worry over every sneeze and whimper while my child’s too little to tell me with words what’s wrong. I’m trying to read a chapter a day in each book and letting that be enough. I know God’s in control so I don’t have to be and that’s comforting.

God’s calmed my anxiety over feeling like I need to “pull an all-nighter” to prepare for the test of parenthood. I’ve prayed for God’s peace and reminded myself of the FACT that God’s been coaching me and Michael for adoption and parenthood since we were born, through life experience. He knew before time began that this would be our path. Childhood, our own parents and families and friends, college, marriage, even IVF were all a part of setting us up for this journey. And once those children are in our care, I know He will give us everything we need and lead us where we should go to help our children fulfill their own destinies. God provides and God sustains.

So, I guess this means I’m nesting? I’m reading my books and I have our nursery set up with the bare minimum a child needs according to other parents and Pinterest. I’ve tried really hard to use things we already have and friends and family have given us their hand-me-downs which we’re very grateful for. We have a friend-donated pack-n-play set up in lieu of a crib so our kid gets used to what he or she will sleep in on the road. We’ve declined baby showers, not because we don’t want to celebrate or accept our friends’ and families’ help, but because we’d rather wait until we have our child or children so we know what we need. We have no clothes, no diapers, nothing that hints at the age or gender or race of the child we’re adopting since we have no idea who he or she or they will be. Thank God for Target and Amazon Prime. If we end up with a Stork Drop, where they say “get in the car or on a plane NOW and come get your baby,” those resources will prove invaluable.

Overall, I think parenting is God putting people together in familial relationship to grow one another. Yes, the parents have authority until their children grow up, but mom and dad are learning and growing just as much as junior. We have to allow that God will mature us through the parenting process and submit ourselves into His potter’s hands. We aren’t under any notion that we’ll have it all figured out before baby comes or that we’ll do everything perfectly and raise perfect children. We know God has a purpose and plan for our children’s lives, will put them in our care for a reason, and their lives will have far greater reach and impact than we can ever know.

Whether adopted or biological, already in the world or still growing in the womb, all children need parents. We may not know much about our kids right now, but we do know that God is in headship over our household and He’ll ask us to parent whatever children He intended for us before time began. No matter their age, race, gender, or the circumstances of their past, they’re His beautiful creation in need of guidance, love, discipline, and nurturing with the understanding that we’re helping prepare them for Heaven, just like He’s preparing us. We’re thankful for the opportunity to enter this next season and look forward to how He will use us to influence the world for Him.

Proverbs 22:6, Deuteronomy 11:19, 1 Chronicles 28:9, Ephesians 6:4, Proverbs 19:18, Deuteronomy 4:9, Matthew 19:13-14